CineBad!!!

A 747 full of drunken 1970’s movie stars is sure to crash somewhere, so why not the Bermuda Triangle? This particular Jumbo Jet is carrying priceless works of art, as well as millionaire Philip Stevens’ (Jimmy Stewart) daughter, grandson, and twenty of his nearest and dearest. Unfortunately, however, the co-pilot and flight steward are really international art thieves! They install cartridges of nerve gas before take off, so that, at the right moment, they can drug the entire crew and passengers, and fly to plane to Haiti, where they’ll escape with the artwork.

So far, so good. Meanwhile, the passengers are mingling. This plane has it all! There’s a wet bar, replete with Token Black Guy as bartender. There’s Karen Wallace (Grant,) an alcoholic society lady who just wants to tank up on Vodka Tonics, and her husband Martin, who hates her. There’s the blind musician (remember the signing nun in Airport 1975? I guess every Airport movie has to have a musical number) and the girl who loves him. There’s the cute kid, and there’s the token Sweet Old Lady, who happens to be black. Hm, the bartender and Dorothy (Maidie Norman, who played the housekeeper in Baby Jane) are the only two people of color on board the plane. I wonder who’s gonna make it off this wreck and who’s not gonna survive?

Anyway, at the appointed hour, the smugglers take over and everyone on the plane is drugged. Unfortunately, since this is a luxury plane, there are a lot of armchairs and coffee tables, but no seatbelts. In fact, nothing on this plane is bolted down, which pretty much seems like a good idea on a jet. So everyone collapses right where they’re standing, spilling their cocktails and banging their heads on the furniture.

Now the Evil Co-Pilot takes over the plane, flying it low to avoid radar detection. This is important, because five minutes later he encounters dense fog and hits an oil rig. I didn’t know there were oil rigs in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, but maybe that’s where the kids get their patchouli oil from. Anyway, the plane goes down… way down, beneath the waves. Amazingly, the plane is still in one piece! Yes, no water actually enters the passenger areas until much later! This gives the rich people plenty of time to wake up and start panicking.

Luckily for us, Jack Lemmon is the pilot on board this plane. I love Jack Lemmon. He’s so good at playing stressed-out authority figures (see The China Syndrome for an example of this.) Jack runs around taking care of the injured and slapping people out of hysterical shrieking fits. Then he and Martin (the guy who can’t stand his alkie wife) concoct a plan to escape using the plane’s air masks as scuba equipment. Eventually the Navy comes and tries to bail them out. Will they make it? I won’t ruin the thrilling climax!

This is a disaster movie in the grand old tradition, featuring pathos-ridden death scenes and lots a hysterical escape hijinx. Don’t miss the spectacular reunion scene involving a rickety Jimmy Stewart and a nearly-comatose child star!