CineBad!!!

We now know why this movie was called “Airport” instead of “Airplane.” It takes 2/3 of the movie before anyone even boards the plane! The first 2/3 of the movie are devoted to building up a bunch of confusing subplots, most of them involving marital strife. Yes, the main point of the movie is this: don’t get married, especially if you work in an airport.

The pilot of the plane that takes so long to get airborne knocks up his mistress, a stewardess (Jacqueline Bisset). Jacqueline Bisset is really truly English, so why does her English accent sound so annoyingly fake? He gets to learn in a touching way what it means to be pro-life. Another guy has an annoying nagging wench of a wife. He gets to finally tell her off so he can finally be free to hit on his secretary with the anti-gravitational wig. The final guy actually loves his wife, but the only way he can prove it to her is to take out a life insurance policy and then attempt to blow up the airplane he’s on with some dynamite he keeps stuffed in a briefcase.

Meanwhile, there are some more subplots involving an old lady who likes to stow away on planes and… um… I think there’s other stuff going on as well: a snowstorm, some problems between management and workers– the usual. However, it all gets so confusing that it doesn’t really matter.

The best thing about this movie is to see how lax the airport security was back then– I mean, could you ever imagine getting on a plane these days with a briefcase full of dynamite? Much less, would the stewardesses let you get away with not stowing your carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment during take-off? No! These friendly Trans-Global Airlines (do they go to other planets?) flight attendants let the suspicious guy clutch the explosive briefcase to his chest the entire duration of the flight (until he sets it off in the bathroom and blows a small hole in the side of the plane).

Moreover, the last time I flew on an airplane, I remember seeing security guards casually strolling around Heathrow Airport– with automatic weapons! I don’t think an old lady could get away with sneaking on board a plane and getting a free ride to Rome posing as a passenger! But anyway, this movie is a little boring in the beginning, but once the plane takes off, it’s a rollicking good cheesefest.