CineBad!!!

Rule of Cheesy Movies #2: Anything containing a vampire is sure to contain much cheese. (rule #1 is anything containing vampyres is sure to be a winner.) Blade delivers on this front! Wesley Snipes stars as eponymous character, whose mom was bitten by a vampire during pregnancy and subsequently died. But she didn’t die in vain! Blade is here (his mom really named him Hank, but he thought Blade soundeed more menacing,) the half-human/half-vampire hybrid! He has all the best characteristics of both species! To avenge his mother’s untimely demise, Blade has devoted his life to vampire slaying.

The best thing about vampire movies is seeing which vampire myths the screenwriters adhere to. For example, in this one, running water and crosses don’t do much to the vampire race. However, garlic is very powerful. So powerful, in fact, Blade must shoot himself up periodically with garlic powder to keep himself from slipping completely into the realm of vampires.

Enter the subplot. Blade gets a girlfriend, who just so happens to be an immunologist. She’s been bitten by a vampire, so she doesn’t have much time to invent a better anti-vampire vaccine! She and Abraham Whistler (Kristofferson,) Blade’s trusty sidekick, work hard in Blade’s warehouse/laboratory/arsenal to find one in time.

All of the conspiracy theories are wrong! The government isn’t trying to hide aliens from the public! The government is actually run by a Board of Vampires. Isn’t it nice to know that your tax dollars are going towards the vampire cause? Most of the cool nightclubs in NYC are also vampire-run. When the evil vampire Deacon Frost discovered Blade, he tries to capture him, because only the blood of a hybrid can bring about the second coming of La Miagra, the Blood God (part of a triumvirate including La Niagra, the Tourist God and La Viagra, um, insert your own bit of hilarity here.)

The second coming of the vampire god can only come about in an elaborately staged made-for-videogame ritual that takes place in a secret temple the vampires have been building just for this event. Wow, this is a vampire movie at its finest. It gets away from the usual Count Dracula schtick. Gone are the capes and bad make-up jobs. Enter the sleek dark underworld of Cool Vampires. They hang out in exclusive discoes and wear funky shades. If you’re a big Kris Kristofferson fan, this is one not to be missed. Watch out for Blade 2 coming out in 2000.