CineBad!!!

Holy cow! If our CGI scripts allowed, I would gladly give this movie 600 swiss cheeses for ridiculousness. Every detail of this movie is inconceivably schmaltzy. I’m lactose intolerant, and I think I was actually having a bad reaction to this movie! I cannot express in words how corny this movie was. The English language does not do it justice.

I was a big fan of the Buck Rogers TV show when I was about five years old. I have distinct memories of being scared shitless by the exploits of Buck and his friends. However, nothing will compare to the shock of seeing this movie as an adult. Now that I’ve seen Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, I’m not sure if I can go on reviewing bad movies. That’s it. Now I may die.

OK, here’s the plot in a nutshell. Buck Rogers is sent on an exploratory mission in an experimental spacecraft during the year 1987. In deep space, his life support malfunctions, flash-freezing Buck into a freeze-dried hunk of burnin’ love. Yes, that’s right. During Buck’s 500-year slumber “fantasy and reality become a limitless dream– ” a limitless wet dream! Most of Buck’s dreams involve scantily clad women crawling around on huge letters that spell out his own name. A little bit egotistical maybe? I can’t even begin to describe the theme music!

Eventually, 504 years later, Buck’s ship orbits back into the vicinity of Earth, and he becomes embroiled in a war between the evil Draconian Empire, represented by the saucy Princess Ardala & her leather queen bodyguard Tigerman, and newly rational planet Earth, ruled by a high council of gay computers.

Yes, in the future, computers are gay. You’ll just have to get used to it. If you harbor any homophobic thoughts in your heart now, you’ll just have to get rid of them. How do we know that the computers are gay? Let’s just say… we can tell. Check this out: when Buck eventually is returned to Earth, they’re not sure if he’s a spy or not. So they assign Dr. Theopolis to check him out. Dr. Theopolis looks kind of like a round, glowing cake pan. Since Earthlings destroyed Earth’s environment with nuclear bombs, the computers are trying to repair the environment. Dr Theopolis says, “I’m thinking of introducing a pale shade of mauve into the sunset tonight.” Then he looks at Buck and says, “What an attractive man you are, Buck Rogers!” Even Buck knows that something is up.

Dr. Theopolis is super-intelligent, yet not smart enough to invent limbs for himself. Actually, he and his cake pan friends are called “Quads.” I puzzled over this for a long time until I realized that “Quad” must be short for “quadriplegic!” So in the future, even computers can be disabled. Anyway, he has to get carried around by Twiki, everybody’s favorite penis-shaped robot. Twiki himself is pretty irritating! My annoyance threshold must have been much higher when I was five! Twiki has the physique of a three year old boy and the mind of a 40 year old cigar smoking plumber. He stomps around saying things like BEE DEE BEE DEE BEE DEE WATTA BODY! And BEE DEE BEE DEE BEE DEE I’M FREEZING MY BALL-BEARINGS OFF! It’s all so cute.

Watch Buck bravely endure things like standing trial for treason in front of an entire council of glowing, beeping Quads, getting hit on by space princesses with huge pointy hairdos, being chased by an army of outcast mutants from the ruins of Chicago, and futuristic disco dancing. In future, people dance around waving big silvery orb things. I can’t describe it! You’ll just have to see the movie to understand!

In the end, Buck saves the Earth by flirting with the evil princess and blowing things up, thereby showing the wimpy, white jumpsuit clad men of the future how a real man gets things done. Watch this the next time you feel like kicking some futuristic ass!