CineBad!!!

The plot is simple: Arnold Schwarzenegger, a disgruntled alcoholic former cop, saves the world from a Satanic prophesy by wielding large weapons. What more can I say? The cheese is laid on thick in this high predictability factor action thriller. Lots of stuff blows up, and there is lots of blood. There are a couple of priceless Moments of Cheese. Here they are, in order of decreasing cheesiness:

1. Satan jumps into Gabriel Byrnes’s body and compliments a passing punk on his “Satan Rules” T-shirt.

2. Satan offers Arnold his dead wife and daughter back in exchange for information that will speed along the end of the word. The following dialogue ensues: Satan: What is it that you want? Arnold: I want you to GO TO HELLLLL!

3. We discover that in dreams, symbols often appear mixed up or backwards, thus “666″ actually means “999″ as in…1999!! *gasp!*

4. A former priest is found dead (crucified to the ceiling of his hospital room, actually), with words carved into his body. “Christ in New York?” the investigators try to read… no, wait! The main character’s name is Christine York! Ah, the levels of cheese movie makers will stoop to!

Yes, it’s moments like these that make our jobs (or rather our geeky past times) worthwhile! All of these moments occur on what will arguably be the cheesiest day in history– December 31st 1999. On that day Satan will come to earth to do the wild thing with Christine York (Robin Tunney) between 11:30 and midnight on December 31st 1999 (eastern standard time). Thus he will bring about the “End Of Days.”

Enter Christine. Christine is a local Manhattan woman prone to visions and anxiety disorders, who just happened to be born during the “eye of God” phase of the moon. Because of this, she has a birthmark shaped like a Black Sabbath album cover on her arm, and the doctors in the hospital where she was born forced her to drink the blood of a live rattlesnake when she was a few minutes old. It was all prophesized before, that’s why a bunch of priests wearing Sacred Heart necklaces from Dollar Depot are trying to kill Christine. By killing Christine, they will stop Satan from gettin’ booty from her, and thus keep the world going for a little while longer (until of course Sen. John McCain gets elected president of the US, when we’ll find out the true meaning of the term “End of Days”).

Meanwhile, Satan (Gabriel Byrne) takes over the bodies of all sorts of dead people, turning them into one big chanting mass of evil. But hey, it’s the end of the 1990s. It’s not exactly the end of the millennium, as any geek worth his price in RAM will tell you, but it’s close enough for a party. Every Times Square-bound party animal can pass for an undead minion of Satan on New Year’s Eve. Even Christine’s own step mother is in on the Satanic conspiracy, as she’s been waiting since Christine was born for this moment (that qualifies her as a ‘Mean Caregiver’ for the Mean Mother category). As everyone prepares for Satan’s ritual wedding and consummation with Christine (they even have a skimpy black dress in just her size waiting for her), in bursts Arnold, ready to save the day (and the world). He discovers that bullets and missiles only delay Satan a little bit, but in typical Arnold fashion, he continues to use them anyway.

This film is a must for anyone afflicted with millennium hysteria, or for anyone who loves a good cheesy romp through the subway systems in NYC. I’ll bet you never knew that people get the stigmata and are crucified on a daily basis down there, did you?