CineBad!!!

Who could resist Balthazar Getty running around naked covered in ash and pig’s blood? You know you can’t! This movie seemed to be just a big excuse to show us fifteen-year-olds frolicking in their underwear. In fact, I think this movie may have been sponsored in part by NAMBLA.

For anybody who didn’t read Lord of the Flies in tenth grade, I’ll recap. A plane carrying a buttload of military academy brats crashes somewhere in the pacific, conveniently close to a small, yet lush tropical island. All the grownups are killed except one, who is injured and delirious. Left to their own devices, the kids create a pseudo-tribal society based upon teasing the fat kid, and pig hunting. Actually, this version (there was another Lord of the Flies made in 1963, qualifying this as a Lame Remake) stuck pretty closely to the book, so you won’t hear me complaining about that. Except… I don’t think they actually used a single scrap of dialogue from the original! For instance, I don’t remember the twins talking about ALF (Alien Life Form) in Golding’s novel. “I’ll bet it’s eight o’clock right now, and Alf’s causin’ trouble!” Ok, whatever.

I also don’t remember the gratuitous use of glow sticks in the original. In fact, the first two lines of the entire movie are “What is it?” “A glow stick.” Weird product placement. I like how a glow stick causes the untimely death of Simon, however: the crazed pig-slaughtering youths mistake its unearthly green glow for a demonic spirit.

What ever happened to Balthazar Getty, anyway? And Chris Furrh– shouldn’t his name have more vowels in it? I can’t really think of much more to say about this movie. If you want to watch something artistically close to the original book, rent the 1963 version. If you want to watch naked kids run around with glow sticks, rent this.