CineBad!!!

When I heard that this film existed, I could hardly believe it! It does exist and it far exceeds all of my wildest cheesy dreams. I have no idea where or if you can rent it on tape, so watch it if you can!

The year: 1975. The scene: a kitchen, somewhere in outer Baltimore. “Here’s your mail, Miss Massey!” “Why, thank you! Oh, look at all the nice letters! Oh how nice! Oh look at this one! Oh how nice! I wonder who could have sent me this NICE LETTER!?”

Cut to a piano bar. The mood is sultry, low-down. Pleasant piano jazz wafts appealingly through the air. In the spotlight, a single, radiant woman stands. It’s Edith Massey, star of Pink Flamigos, Desperate Living, and Female Trouble! And she’s about to take you on a magical trip through her rocky rise to stardom!

We see Edie as the unfortunate foster child who throws soapy water upon the fishnets of her evil foster sisters. We also see Edie the street vender, who gets mixed up in some shady night life and becomes Edie the Barroom Babe. We also see Edie the Madam, Edie the Small Businesswoman, and Edie the Starlet! But that’s not all! We also get to see what John Waters looked like in ‘75 with long hair!

If you don’t know who Edith is, she’s the mother of fugitive criminal Babs Johnson, who lives in a playpen and spends her days screaming for eggs. She’s also the evil Queen Carlotta, ruler of a shantytown inhabited by lesbian fugitives, who attempts a Jonestown-esque massacre involving rabies injections. She’s also Cuddles, the limousine-riding cleaning lady Billionaire, who tries to save her “purr, purr” friend Francine from ruin. She’s also a very nice person.

This has to be one of the greatest films ever to have an aspect ratio of 1.37:1 (factlet courtesy of the Internet Movie Database.