CineBad!!!

This is the movie that made thousands of people question their motives for using wire clothes hangers. See the film if you haven’t already, and you will too!

It’s the tragic tale of Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway), the famous 1930s cleanliness-obsessed movie actress and her adopted daughter Christina. She has an adopted son Christopher too, but he doesn’t come into the picture much. Thank goodness they didn’t both get the nickname Chris!

Anyway, Joan’s just a little bit strange, so if you don’t have the stomach for Mean Mother movies, this one is not for you. Or, if your own mother is a real freak, Joan will undoubtedly top her, so this movie may make you feel better about your own familial situation. I have luminous teenage memories of my mother coming home at 3:00 am from a trip and screeching because the house was not clean enough and furiously vacuuming. However, nothing will top the famous Wire Hanger scene, or the Hacking Up Rosebushes scene, or basically the whole film. At least your mother didn’t send you to a convent for your high school years after you were caught innocently making out with some guy in a hay barn.

Your mother may be a neat freak, but she probably can’t hold a candle to Joan. Joan scrubs her arms and face furiously with a stiff brush and soap… before taking a shower. She also bitches out the cleaning lady for not scrubbing underneath a potted plant. The best line of the film, as she’s finishing up the bitching, “Oh Helga, it’s not you I’m mad at. It’s the dirt.”

Don’t miss the spectacularly non-happy ending. You’ll start thanking whatever creator you choose to believe in that Joan Crawford didn’t adopt you too!