CineBad!!!

It’s the story, of a man named Robert, who was raising two huge eyebrows of his own… they were four men, living all together, but they were all alone! Till the one day when the fellow met this lady, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch, then his ex-wife returned and tried to kill her…

No, seriously, this is the story of Jude (Curtis,) a deadbeat mom who returns to her workaholic architect husband (Gallagher) and three Aryan children after three years of drunken, sociopathic absence. By this point, husband Robert is dating Cally (Kilmer,) the assistant principal of the kids’ school. Jude “wants her family back” and is out for revenge! She sets out upon a convoluted plan to eject Cally and get Robert back into her pants. Her plan backfires, however, when stuff goes wrong, and children are injured, and… stuff.

Jude and Robert’s three children, Ben, Michael and Kes are the ones caught up in this dysfunctional family struggle. We can disregard Ben and Michael, since the former is only useful for one scene involving a killer juice glass, and the latter has about three seconds of dialogue in total. Kes is the real star here. (OK, “Kes” is a character is Star Trek Voyager, and “Cally” is a character in the British show Blake’s 7. So, were the filmmakers big sci-fi geeks or something? Or am I just the geeky one? How often do you hear the names “Kes” and “Cally,” anyway?) Jude manages to brainwash the kids against Cally by driving home the point that she’s their Real Mom, and also by buying them Nintendo Game Boys and letting them drive her BMW convertible. Everyone in this movie is mega-rich. Whatever Jude was doing during her three years of absence, it wasn’t lying drunken in the gutter somewhere. Maybe she’s the CEO of Asolut Vodka or something.

Anyway… Jude and Kes hatch out a plan to “scare” Cally a little bit, which basically means kill her. Along the way, Grandma (Redgrave) gets hospitalized, Robert’s huge menacing eyebrows get mussed up, and Ben gets impaled on a Tall Drink of Water. And yes! This movie ends with a car-balanced-on-cliff scene! Don’t miss the Amazing Gravity-Defying Volvo held in place by a single dead tree, in a spectacular Death-Defying climax!