CineBad!!!

Oh, have you ever heard of such a wonderful, crazy thing?!?!

Ah, yes, the haunting Mountain Family Robinson theme song. I can hear it even now. In fact, I’ll probably carry it with me to the grave. Imagine a slightly truncated version of the Brady Bunch rafting along in the Rocky Mountain Wilderness. Now throw in a bumbling, comical bear and a mysteriously levitating eagle and you have heartwarming family fun! The Mountain Family Robinson are the wholesome, nature-loving 1970’s family who manage to wear bellbottoms and iron their hair flat even in the middle of the wilderness!

The Mountain Family Robinson live high in the Rockies in a cabin built on their deceased Uncle’s Land. The government gave a him a plot of land to live on, in exchange for his services mining for gold. Yes, that’s right: he was a Miner Forty-Niner. I didn’t actually think that people still pan for gold in this day and age, but then again who am I to judge? Anyway, just as the Mountain Family get themselves set up, a big helicopter arrives and some governmental dude gets out and tells them to leave. (Mr. Robinson probably should have read “Black Helicopters over America” before taking his children out into the wilderness.) The Family’s only hope is to pan up some gold, and quick! If they can scratch up some kind of valuable mineral, the government will let them keep their mining claim.

Aided by their trusty sidekick, Boomer, and his ursa-phobic mule, the family set out to pan the streams around their cabin. But along the way they encounter flash floods, wildcats, kleptomaniacal blackbirds, cake-eating skunks, leaky roofs and irritating musical numbers. Will their wholesomeness protect them from Nature’s fury?

There are some very interesting points to outdoor living that I was unaware of. For instance, a garden plot of only a couple square meters will feed a family of four, plus one bear and one dog, for an entire winter. Also, nighttime in the mountains looks a lot like daytime, only darker (watch the film and you’ll see what I mean.) And the most important lesson of all: wild animals will automatically follow any flute-bearing child in the wilderness. (Squirrels are especially fond of flute music.)

But to every close-knit, isolationist family, some tragedy must come. Watch with horror as Boomer and Mr. Robinson become trapped in an unstable mine shaft. Gasp with anxiety as the government dude’s helicopter crashes. Will the Family remember their Christian values and help out those in need?

And the music. Oh, the beautiful music…