CineBad!!!

Modern technology is truly wonderful. Not only can one now order videos, buy groceries, and commit adultery over the telephone, we can now commit murder! Richard Chamberlain stars as Nat Bridger, an adventurous college professor who just wants to get to the bottom of the Case Of The Mysterious Dead Girl found near a smoking telephone on the Toronto subway.

Robin Gammell stars as the “postal” phone company employee who has invented a way of sending instant sparking high-energy death down a telephone wire. (The high energy sounds a lot like a car alarm going off.) What is the point of all this senseless destruction?! Is there a reason to the killer’s madness, or is he simply acting out the pain of a tortured childhood? I can’t remember! There probably was a point to this movie, but I’ve forgotten it already. Maybe he’s really enamored of the telegraph, and feels the need to rid the world of its telephonic menace. Or maybe he just wishes people would write more.

Sara Botsford stars as Ridley, the saucy artist who’s been hired to create a really, really, really ugly mural at the phone company’s downtown headquarters. She and Bridger hit it off, and soon they’re going at it like a couple of Canadian bunnies. But before long, she’s too involved for her own good! Could she be the killer’s next victim?! There’s not much she can do about it, save wait around staring at her dildo-shaped phone in a constant state of panic. The next ring-a-ding could be her last!

If you enjoy watching people with blood pouring out of their nostrils shake uncontrollably as someone makes “booooop… boop boop boop boopboop!” noises in their ear, this is definitely the film for you. This film is also known as “The Calling” overseas, except in England, where’s it’s called “Hell’s Bells” –that really cracks me up!