CineBad!!!

I had to keep reminding myself that that was a self-conscious parody of a James Bond movie. I mean, the filmmakers were trying to be funny. Still, though– I mean, the original James Bond films were corny enough in their own right not to be taken seriously. But this was such a good rip-off of a 007 flick that I kept finding myself yelling things like, “Hello! How can someone lock himself into a safe from the inside?” before remembering that that was the point!

Anyway, when the secret coalition of evil geniuses called “Galaxy” decides to take over the Earth, Z.O.W.I.E. (Zonal Organization World Intelligence Espionage) consults its UNIVAC computer and calls Secret Agent Derek Flint in to save the day. Flint is a Kung Fu master who can mix a perfect martini, stop the beating of his heart at will, and cause all beehive-clad women in a 50 yard radius to swoon involuntarily. Galaxy’s top woman, the evil Gila, is sent out to stop him. However, Flint and Gila can’t control their natural desires, and soon the fate of the entire world rests upon shoulders.

Predicatably, Galaxy’s headquarters are located on a volcanic island in the middle of the pacific. Here, they’ve set up a paradise for the human race. They dress women in bikinis and huge wigs, spin a big orange swirly thing in their face for an hour, and whisper: “Repeat after me: I am a pleasure unit. I live only to serve others.” Then the women are gripped by the mindless desire to make out and play the ukelele. The men wear these snappy striped jumpsuits. They aren’t brainwashed into being “pleasure units,” but they’re kept in a perpetual state of randiness by taking little red pills. Basically, the future of the human race is a big Playboy picture spread ruled over by old guys in white lab coats.

The amazing thing about this movie is that it looks like it actually had a bigger budget than your average 60’s James Bond film. I mean, 007 usually had at least one scene involving a laser ray or something, but Galaxy Island looks like The Price Is Right on steroids. There’s a huge, rotating drill that spits steam on people, and the Evil Control Room is lined with huge, eyeball shaped TV screens. Even Gila’s remote-control weather-altering device looks like it weighs about 30 pounds and gets its power from a small nuclear reactor. All in all, this was like watching all the cheesiest bits from all the James Bond films thrown into one.