CineBad!!!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for handicapped rights. I firmly believe that all buildings should be wheelchair accessible, and sure, let them have all the good parking spaces! However, I do not believe that people have the right to use high tech multi-camera infrared surveillance devices to spy on their neighbors simply because they’re crippled and have nothing better to do with their time. Thus starts the remake of the classic 1954 Hitchcock thriller Rear Window. Gone are the days of Jimmy Stewart and his binoculars. Enter high-tech gagetry, and Christopher Reeve and his voice-activated computer and high-tech surveillance equipment, complete with cameras on both the second and third floors of his apartment for better peeping tom capabilities. In this made-for-tv version, we see Jason Kemp (Reeve)’s transformation from a workaholic architect to a quadroplegiac workaholic architect. In fact, the first half-hour or so shows his car accident, his heroic battle to regain enough use of his body to go back to work, how his company has slighted him just because he’s spent the past 6 months in a hospital… basically, it’s a handicapped rights propaganda film.

Enter Claudia, the Love Interest. Daryl Hannah is definitely no Grace Kelly, but even if I don’t compare this movie to the original, and take it simply as another made-for-tv thriller, she’s no Grace Kelly. In fact, there’s probably more chemistry between Ren and Stimpy then between her and Reeve. What would make her fall for a wheelchair bound workaholic peeping tom who can barely speak is not entirely clear. She gets really into the peeping tom bit too, and they bond over that. Call it love!

This movie also has other cardboard cut-out characters. For example, there is the Token Black guy. The guy in this case takes on the form of Antonio (Ruben Santiago-Hudon,) the physical therapist with the fake Jamaican accent. As follows the Rule of Movie Characters #437, Those possessing Caribbeanoid accents are always wise sages (or drug dealers). There is also a grumpy police detective (Robert Forster) who eventually saves the day. And of course there’s the Bad guy, the homicidal sculptor with the English accent. Did he kill his wife? We all know where the body is! You can’t fool us!

Another thing that absolutely astounded me about this film is the choice of window dressings the inhabitants of Jason’s apartment building choose to use. Every single one is clear. People in this building think nothing of undressing and doing other private things in front of uncovered windows. However, when they’re finnished dressing, they pull the blinds or curtains. Of course, the blinds and curtains are all made of the sheerest fabric ever invented and are totally transparent. Remind me to not hire this set docorater the next time I redecorate my apartment.

All in all, this was a very cheesy fun “thriller.” Don’t expect surprises, suspense or any dramatic merit. However, as a cheese fest, this movie is great!