CineBad!!!

The Etruscans predicted that Satan would return to Earth sometime in this century. In fact, they even built a very sinister clock to mark the time until he arrives. When the clock reaches 666 o’clock- watch out! Some monks will have to sacrifice 18 corpses with human faces sewn onto them so he can take human form! Of course, the faces that the monks sew onto the corpses have to be beautiful, so what better way to lure beautiful women to their dooms than pose as modeling agents? Christopher McDonald goes all over the world in search of comely lasses and then brings them to his villa in northern Italy, and then– you guessed it. Satan bait one and all.

Enter Lucy, an American teenager who’s wanted to be a model all of her life. Her mother, an art restorer, is vehemently opposed to this career move. So what does Lucy do when her mother inexplicably hurls herself out a window during an interview with Satanic monks? She runs off to Italy with a strange guy who starts taking pictures of her on a school field trip. Now, if you were in a museum, and some strange beret-clad guy started snapping pictures of you, what would you do? I’ll bet you would do what Lucy did– start pouting and posing for the camera.

Lucy’s dad gets a job in the same town in Italy where Lucy is “modeling,” so he gets to watch over her. Why is that creepy wife of the photographer making a latex mask of her face? Why does Lucy’s beloved cat keep dragging home screeching Hell-beasts? Something strange is going on! And then people start getting attacked by demonic housecats, and all Hell breaks loose, if you’ll excuse the pun.

It’s all being run by a bunch of monks who like to stand in a circle and chant “Say, Say, Say!” while pounding their chests. Yes, they’re all big Michael Jackson fans– or are Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney really Servants of the Dark One? After all, “Say, Say Say” is really Italian for 666!

OK, so it’s now 666 O’clock, I’ll skip over the subplot about cloning, because I really didn’t get it anyway. I’ll skip the bit about the faces of dead people being buried with latex replicas, so the monks could steal their real faces- I didn’t quite get that either. We’re back at 666 O’clock- which body will Lucifer choose to inhabit? Will it be Lucy? No way! This was meant to be a creepy horror-type film, with cats jumping out at opportune moments and strategically placed lightning bolts. The scariest thing, though, was that the end was left wide open for a sequel.