CineBad!!!

When I was in the video store, I overheard someone say “This makes The Matrix looks like child’s play!” Of course, I thought to myself, “Elmo in Grouchland makes The Matrix looks like child’s play,” but that’s another story. The Thirteenth Floor is another one of those films that takes the old bumper sticker command “Question Reality” way too seriously. However, because of this, much cheese in involved!

The film starts out with Hannon Fuller, a rich old guy (Armin Mueller-Stahl) getting killed. We don’t know who did it, but we’re certain that it’s not our protagonist, Douglas (Craig Bierko,) Hannon’s right-hand man. As things unfold as we learn that the company for which the two men work is developing a virtual reality type game where you can travel back into the Depression era and have sex with hookers (at least that’s what the old guy was up to.) So why was he killed? Did it have something to do with his virtual experiences? Why does Doug keep blacking out for 3 hours at a time? Did he really kill Hannon and not realize it?

Eventually, Doug jumps into the Depression era himself to find out what’s going on. He discovers that one of the characters in his virtual reality has discovered that he’s not really ‘real.’ This brings up an ethical, philosophical and moral dilemma that has been the plot of so many Star Trek the Next Generation episodes. What is real? do we have the right to go around creating humans only to destroy them? I figure Commander Riker already solved this problem for us years ago, let’s move on, OK? Warning: if you don’t want to discover the “surprise” plot twist, stop reading right here. Go make yourself a sandwich and read the paper.

So why does Doug keep blacking out? If it isn’t totally obvious to you now, you need something stronger than a sandwich! It’s because…dum dum! He’s in a virtual world as well! People from the outside word jump into the characters in the virtual world, and someone’s been doing it to him! His body is actually a murderer, although his personality is not! How confusing is that?

Jane, Hannon’s daughter/the girl who works in the supermarket after whom Doug has been lusting is actually the woman who runs his virtual reality show. And to make matters worse, she’s in love with him as well. Ugh. It turns out that “Doug” was a character based on her husband. Jane’s husband used to be a kind and good man, but now, since he’s gotten a taste of the virtual world, he’s become a homicidal maniac, and retreats into his virtual world to slaughter people at random (note: maybe you should take the Doom and Tomb Raider game CD ROMs away from the males in your household.) Since Doug is how Jane’s husband used to be, Jane becomes teary and sentimental, as she spends time with the Man She Fell In Love With (only better.) It causes all sorts of sappy touching scenes as Doug and Jane say stuff like “I feel like I’ve known you for years!” and other things that many people dismiss as cheesy pickup lines. So remember, the next time you’re in a bar and someone says “I feel like we’ve met before!” it might not be just a line to get into your underwear… it could be the voice of your virtual spouse!

Anyway, this movie has a nice cheesy happy ending. It also tries to make you question reality. Am I really living in a virtual world? What is real? But then you think… if someone would go to all the trouble to invent a virtual reality, I’m sure they would have created a more interesting job for me.