CineBad!!!

What if you could wake up and discover that you weren’t really who you thought you were, and that your whole life was really an implanted false memory? Personally, I’d be overjoyed. However, when Douglas Quaid (Schwarzenegger) accidentally discovers that he’s really not your average jackhammer operator married to a lithe, blonde sex fiend (Sharon Stone), he gets a little upset. His journey of literal self discovery takes him to Mars, where he hangs out in fragile domed cities.

Unfortunately, whenever anyone fires a gun (which is often), everyone gets sucked out into the arid vacuum. In a couple of occasions, we see people die of asphyxiation, which causes their eyes to bug out in a graphic manner. I liked that part the best! It turns out that the fragilely glassed in cities are all the work of the Bad Guy, who is also the reason that most of the lower classes on mars are mutants. The Mutants are in the midst of rebelling against the bad corporation’s evil oppression, and Douglas learns that he was once a key player in the resistance. Or was he? Was this all orchestrated by the corporation?

Douglas meets his ex-girlfriend, Mars’s hottest hooker, and they team up to fight crime with the help of the Token Black Guy mutant cab driver. As is the fate of the Token Black Guy in movies, he meets an untimely demise, his last words being “I’m gonna drill you, sucka!” as he attempts to grind them to death with a futuristic rock drilling machine.

It turns out that the bad guy is keeping an ancient nuclear device a secret. This device could provide plentiful air for all of the inhabitants of Mars by drilling the planet’s ice core, and releasing the oxygen from it. This seems like a seriously bad idea to me– talk about non-renewable resource! It seems like a planet’s core would come in handy, but I’m not physicist, maybe it’s plausible.

Anyway, this film is full of fight sequences, and the basic Ah-nood style one-liners. A definite must for fans of large Austrian men.