CineBad!!!

In the not-so-distant future, pollution caused by the Atomic Age has triggered the so-called “X-Factor” in humans, a genetic sequence that triggers useful and glamorous mutations. People with this X-Factor develop Super Powers when they hit adolescence (a fact that has caused much trauma with our friends over at CAP Alert.) These Mutants are regarded as dangerous threats to Family Values, and a Conservative Senator (Davison) plans to wipe them from the face of the earth. However, a kindly scientist, Professor Xavier (Stewart) loves the mutants and has set up a special school for the development of their gifts. These “X-Men” are his special elite task force, charged with defending the safety of all Mankind. (You can tell by their Spandex uniforms.)

Unfortunately, Prof. X’s evil rival, Magneto (McKellen), has other things in mind. He creates a machine that triggers mutations in all humans, and he hopes to level the field by making everyone a mutatant. But what he doesn’t know is that these “unnatural mutations” are deadly– his unsuspecting victims will eventually croak due to their own freakishness. The X-Men must stop him!

With the help of Wolverine (Jackman,) the mysterious victim of a government experiment, and Rogue (Paquin,) a hapless runaway with the power to suck the lifeforce out of everyone she touches, the X-Men must put an end to Magneto’s plans. But will they be able to defeat The Toad (Ray Park,) Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) and Sabretooth (the ironically named Tyler Mane) –fearsome bad guys with amazing make-up and about three lines of actual dialogue each?

Unlike Scooter, I have a Y-chromosome, and therefore I got a big kick out of this movie’s many fight scenes. However, when you take those away, there isn’t much left to this movie. The relationship between Rogue and Wolverine is kind of touching, but aside from that, the other characters are just, well, superheroes. They don’t really do much except wander around and kick ass. Plus, I really like Halle Berry. I’ve seen her in other movies where she says stuff, and acts and… stuff. I think maybe she greeted somebody once in this film.

The evil Magneto was another thing that bugged me about this movie. Magneto is a mutant with the ability to generate and manipulate magnetic fields, thereby controlling anything made out of metal. The big showdown in this movie takes place within the Statue of Liberty, where Magneto gets to rip strips of metal off the walls of the statue and wrap them around the necks of our heroes. But… the Statue of Liberty is made out of copper, and copper isn’t magnetic. Iron’s magnetic, and so is steel, but only because it’s mostly iron. Wolverine has gigantic claws made of “Adamantium” (was it named after Adam Ant?) grafted onto his skeleton, and Magneto gets to control him, too. But unless Adamantium is really just iron, this wouldn’t work. So… whatever. I’m sure there are a billion discussion threads devoted to exactly this topic. In fact, I’m sure that Bryan Singer, the movie’s director, has received at least a million death threats from X-Men comic book fans because of this.

Anyway, if you’re a nitpickitty male nerd like me who enjoys fight scenes and bad scientific plot devices, you’ll love X-Men.