300 bare-chested, sweat-glisteningly muscular men go up against incredible odds to fight the Persian army, wearing nothing but capes and leather undies. 300 follows in the tradition of great cinematic historical epics like Ben-Hur, by having you realize that in ancient times, dudes were all totally gay. How did the human race survive? The only dudes who seemed to like chicks were either hideously deformed and/or traitors… you’d think we’d be a race of hunchbacked, warty-faced turncoats by now.

OK, aside from the homoerotic overtones, this movie was about kicking serious ass. Blood, limbs, guts, unidentifieable body pieces flew around like confetti in most of the scenes, except when King Leonides, our protagonist, is giving speeches about freedom. For a race of people bred to be warriors (they are taking from their homes at a young age so they can prance around in diapers and learn how to handle big swords), this intangible concept is more than worth a lot of heaving and thrusting of large spears. Lest you think 300 people getting their asses kicked by Persians is an act that puts the ‘dumb’ in ‘freedom,’ history tells us that this heroic act paved the way for multiple gay discoes the Greek army to mobilize and kick those pesky Persians out once and for all. If it weren’t for them, we’d all be speaking Persian now… instead of Greek… or something.

As for the cinematic form… what can I say? The movie was visually very nice, the art direction simple, bold, and invoked a nice amount of Frank Miller’s graphic novel… but things like plot, character development, clever dialog, etc. are not necessary when you show this many elephants getting gutted and soldiers’ limbs and heads being amputated in graphic detail. It got so I was getting annoyed at the so-called ‘story’, like when they’d stop fighting to talk about what was going on. MORE ASS-KICKING! I heard myself yell.

Basically, see this movie if you are into:
1. gayness
2. ass-kicking
3. see 1 & 2

Xerxes, looking fabulous

Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply