CineBad!!!

PATTON OSWALT TALENT SHOWCASE
“A Year Full of Kick-Ass Movie Pitches”
at BobAndDavid.com

Starring: Hugo Weaving, Natalie Portman
This movie, based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd, comes off as a weird hybrid of 1984 and Zorro: The Gay Blade. Set in a futuristic, post-capitalistic Britain, where the police are brainless thugs, the Anglican Church has turned into a weird pseudo-Nazi regime, and women [...]

This is the archives of the Movie Guide of the Damned (MGOTD) that my friend Scooter and I ran from about 1998 - 2001. We spent a lot of our time back then renting movies for the sole purpose of making fun of them, and we figured that there should be a website for [...]

Children believin’ that Christmas is comin’, right in the middle of Spring!
Starring: Robert Logan, Susan Damante-Shaw, Heather Rattray, Ham Larsen

Oh, have you ever heard of such a wonderful, crazy thing?!?!

Ah, yes, the haunting Mountain Family Robinson theme song. I can hear it even now. In fact, I’ll probably carry it with me to the grave. [...]

WARNING! WARNING! BAD FILM APPROACHING!
You may be tempted to rent this movie, but don’t. We did, because of the hi-tec cover art. Yet this movie had absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It’s chock-full of unknown actors, and stars a young android who lives alone in deep space with his maker, whose name I forget. [...]

Starring: Nancy Kelly, Patricia McCormack
This is perhaps the grandpappy of all Possessed Kid flicks. Little Rhoda Penmark is a classic sociopath whose only goal in life is to win the kindergarten penmanship award. When the award is given to another child, she embarks upon a spree of killing set to the tune [...]

Starring: Jane Fonda
Barbarella is a lovely little romp through the sexist world of Outer Space. Jane Fonda plays Barbarella, a space-age superheroine whose many talents include undressing in zero-gravity. Her mission is to find the rogue scientist Duran Duran and return him to Planet Earth. Along the way she encounters an army [...]

If you only see one Planet of the Apes movie this year, let it be this one. Captain Taylor, Cornelius, Zira, and all your hairy friends are back in a rip- rollicking romp across the surface of fortieth-century Earth. Everything is peachy until they discover– whoops!– a subterranean race of prehistoric humans who enshrine and [...]

Was Jude crazy, or was she driven crazy by her husband’s eyebrows? Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Joanne Walley-Kilmer, Peter Gallagher, Vanessa Redgrave

It’s the story, of a man named Robert, who was raising two huge eyebrows of his own… they were four men, living all together, but they were all alone! Till the [...]

Funky Fresh, Munchkin Style Starring: Diana Ross, Nipsy Russell, Michael Jackson, Richard Pryor

This is such an awesome movie; I can’t believe that more people don’t remember it. I have vivid recollections of watching this on Showtime when I was a kid (back then there was a box that sat on the TV, [...]

Haaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Starring: Denise Crosby, Sam Bottoms, Rip Torn, Chris Demetral, Candace Hutson, Ed Gale

Marilyn and Eliot Read (the radiant Denise Crosby and the unfortunately named Sam Bottoms) are two rich American yuppies who move to Mexico with their two adorable offspring to buy a doll factory. This doll factory is going to [...]

And a witty response to you, too, Mr. Steed Starring: Uma Thurman, Ralph Fiennes
OK, I actually like Uma Thurman, despite what anyone else says. As ex-supermodels go, she’s a fairly good actress, and manages to bring a little wry humor into most of the roles that she plays. Unfortunately, I thought this [...]

No parents. No teachers. No rules… no clothes. Starring: Balthazar Getty, Chris Furrh
Who could resist Balthazar Getty running around naked covered in ash and pig’s blood? You know you can’t! This movie seemed to be just a big excuse to show us fifteen-year-olds frolicking in their underwear. In fact, I [...]

This is what will happen if you vote for Pat Robertson! Starring: Natasha Richardson, Aidan Quinn, Faye Dunaway, Robert Duvall
Natasha Richardson stars in this Futuristic Dystopia about the US being taken over by a group of Right-Wing Fundamentalists. In the “recent future,” (?) industrial pollution in the environment has rendered 99% of [...]

Was the Great Depression really THAT depressing?! Starring: Kyle MacLachlan, Alison Eastwood, Aaron Pearl
OK, OK– this movie isn’t set in the future, but I’m still calling it “Futuristic.” So sue me! It didn’t really fit into any of the other categories so well.
This is the story of a small town in [...]

Starring: Mike Meyers, Elizabeth Hurley

I actually liked this movie a lot better than the first Austin Powers flick. The first dwells really heavily on all of Austin’s personal quirks, which weren’t all that funny to begin with, in order to cover up a major absence of plot. Plus, the nineties vs. sixties thing [...]

Starring: Julie Andrews, Dick Van Dyke, Karen Dotrice, Matthew Garber

“It’s that Poppins woman again, isn’t it?!” Yes, Mary Poppins is the short-tempered, ugly-hat-wearing, magical nanny that everybody loves. Upon watching this movie for, probably, the twentieth time, I ask myself the question: Is Mary Poppins some sort of supernatural entity, like maybe an [...]

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne
Cube. The Matrix. Yes, Technology is the new threat. Everyone’s making films these days about people being menaced, or otherwise swallowed by technology. Maybe it’s because of the incredible popularity of Internet porn these days. Or maybe it’s just because of AOL.
This is a movie about computers evolving [...]

The Golden Age of Hairdos
Starring: Ona Munson, Walter Huston, Victor Mature, Gene Tierney

What is The Shanghai Gesture? Is that like the Brooklyn Salute? Anyway, this sinful story takes place in Shanghai, the East’s City of Pleasure. Our tale revolves around Mother Gin Sling, an Asiatic Empress of Pleasure (totally played by a white lady, by [...]

I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn’t! Starring: Bette Davis, Wendy Craig, Jill Bennett, William Dix

Hm. As Scooter asked me while watching this film, “so, was Bette Davis ever young?” I think maybe she was… like in the nineteen-twenties. Bette stars as– what? a creepy old lady?! No way!!!
OK, the main players here include:
Nanny, the [...]