This movie, based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd, comes off as a weird hybrid of 1984 and Zorro: The Gay Blade. Set in a futuristic, post-capitalistic Britain, where the police are brainless thugs, the Anglican Church has turned into a weird pseudo-Nazi regime, and women have been relegated back to the roles of baby factory and housewife, V (Weaving) is a former convict and disfigured byproduct of hideous experiements in genetic engineering. Freed by a prison fire, he leads his life underground, plotting flamboyant acts of terrorism against the British government in the mold of classic British anti-hero Guy Fawkes. Evey (Portman) is his unlikely sidekick, at first rescued, and later abducted and tortured by V as part of his Jedi-like quest to transform her into the perfect terrorist. But, since the government in this case is totally corrupt and evil, it’s OK to be a terrorist, right? Or something.

Once again the Wachowski brothers (who wrote the screenplay) seem hell-bent on convincing us that they are, like, so freakin’ deep, man, but I’ll admit that I found the philosophical points in this movie less irritating and obvious than in The Matrix. Some well-directed, albeit incredibly violent action scenes keep the movie humming along. V’s philosophical ramblings are at best goofy, often boring, and Portman’s acting is wooden as ever. Great production design and costuming helps to keep this movie afloat. I just wish it hadn’t taken itself quite so seriously.

If you’re willing to suspend your disbelief to the Nth degree (how exactly does V afford to clothe the entire population of Great Britain in Guy Fawkes cotumes, let alone afford the FedEx fees?) or don’t care very much about feminism (why does Evie become so enamored of V after being heinously tortured?) this can be a fun little film. But, unless you’re a huge fan of the Wachowskis I wouldn’t hesitate to wait for this one on DVD.

This is the archives of the Movie Guide of the Damned (MGOTD) that my friend Scooter and I ran from about 1998 – 2001. We spent a lot of our time back then renting movies for the sole purpose of making fun of them, and we figured that there should be a website for people like us. This was the site that kept me up all night, sometimes when I should have been working on college stuff, and basically taught me everything I needed to know to work in the biz for the past five years. So, for that I’m pretty grateful. We might write some new reviews here if the mood strikes us.

You can also see parts of the site at archive.org.

Enjoy!

Oh, have you ever heard of such a wonderful, crazy thing?!?!

Ah, yes, the haunting Mountain Family Robinson theme song. I can hear it even now. In fact, I’ll probably carry it with me to the grave. Imagine a slightly truncated version of the Brady Bunch rafting along in the Rocky Mountain Wilderness. Now throw in a bumbling, comical bear and a mysteriously levitating eagle and you have heartwarming family fun! The Mountain Family Robinson are the wholesome, nature-loving 1970’s family who manage to wear bellbottoms and iron their hair flat even in the middle of the wilderness!

The Mountain Family Robinson live high in the Rockies in a cabin built on their deceased Uncle’s Land. The government gave a him a plot of land to live on, in exchange for his services mining for gold. Yes, that’s right: he was a Miner Forty-Niner. I didn’t actually think that people still pan for gold in this day and age, but then again who am I to judge? Anyway, just as the Mountain Family get themselves set up, a big helicopter arrives and some governmental dude gets out and tells them to leave. (Mr. Robinson probably should have read “Black Helicopters over America” before taking his children out into the wilderness.) The Family’s only hope is to pan up some gold, and quick! If they can scratch up some kind of valuable mineral, the government will let them keep their mining claim.

Aided by their trusty sidekick, Boomer, and his ursa-phobic mule, the family set out to pan the streams around their cabin. But along the way they encounter flash floods, wildcats, kleptomaniacal blackbirds, cake-eating skunks, leaky roofs and irritating musical numbers. Will their wholesomeness protect them from Nature’s fury?

There are some very interesting points to outdoor living that I was unaware of. For instance, a garden plot of only a couple square meters will feed a family of four, plus one bear and one dog, for an entire winter. Also, nighttime in the mountains looks a lot like daytime, only darker (watch the film and you’ll see what I mean.) And the most important lesson of all: wild animals will automatically follow any flute-bearing child in the wilderness. (Squirrels are especially fond of flute music.)

But to every close-knit, isolationist family, some tragedy must come. Watch with horror as Boomer and Mr. Robinson become trapped in an unstable mine shaft. Gasp with anxiety as the government dude’s helicopter crashes. Will the Family remember their Christian values and help out those in need?

And the music. Oh, the beautiful music…

You may be tempted to rent this movie, but don’t. We did, because of the hi-tec cover art. Yet this movie had absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It’s chock-full of unknown actors, and stars a young android who lives alone in deep space with his maker, whose name I forget.

Eventually (after many dull and boring scenes) they get hijacked by space bandits and many poorly orchestrated fight scenes ensue. Finally we learn that the android’s maker is himself an android– surprise! You’ve been warned.

This is perhaps the grandpappy of all Possessed Kid flicks. Little Rhoda Penmark is a classic sociopath whose only goal in life is to win the kindergarten penmanship award. When the award is given to another child, she embarks upon a spree of killing set to the tune of Au Claire de la Lune. The pigtails fly as Rhoda systematically bumps off anyone who even looks at her funny, while her mother wrings her hands and assumes various expressions of sullen disbelief.

This is one of the movies that kicked off our whole cheese obsession. Anyone unmoved by Patricia McCormack’s performance as the perkily evil Rhoda is completely without emotion, or a healthy sense of irony. And, unlike many cheap horror films of its time, the plot is fast-paced enough to keep your attention.

“Oh, mommy, you’re such a dear sweet mommy.” The amateur dramatics, combined with empty, badly lit studio sets and high-contrast black and white stock make this film very creepy indeed.

Barbarella is a lovely little romp through the sexist world of Outer Space. Jane Fonda plays Barbarella, a space-age superheroine whose many talents include undressing in zero-gravity. Her mission is to find the rogue scientist Duran Duran and return him to Planet Earth. Along the way she encounters an army of fanged dolls, a black tyrant, a lake of liquid evil called the Matmos, and Dildano, an impotent counter-terrorist. I could go on and on about this movie’s many cheesy touches, such as Barbarella’s fur-lined spaceship, but you should probably just go out and see for yourself.

It’s the story, of a man named Robert, who was raising two huge eyebrows of his own… they were four men, living all together, but they were all alone! Till the one day when the fellow met this lady, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch, then his ex-wife returned and tried to kill her…

No, seriously, this is the story of Jude (Curtis,) a deadbeat mom who returns to her workaholic architect husband (Gallagher) and three Aryan children after three years of drunken, sociopathic absence. By this point, husband Robert is dating Cally (Kilmer,) the assistant principal of the kids’ school. Jude “wants her family back” and is out for revenge! She sets out upon a convoluted plan to eject Cally and get Robert back into her pants. Her plan backfires, however, when stuff goes wrong, and children are injured, and… stuff.

Jude and Robert’s three children, Ben, Michael and Kes are the ones caught up in this dysfunctional family struggle. We can disregard Ben and Michael, since the former is only useful for one scene involving a killer juice glass, and the latter has about three seconds of dialogue in total. Kes is the real star here. (OK, “Kes” is a character is Star Trek Voyager, and “Cally” is a character in the British show Blake’s 7. So, were the filmmakers big sci-fi geeks or something? Or am I just the geeky one? How often do you hear the names “Kes” and “Cally,” anyway?) Jude manages to brainwash the kids against Cally by driving home the point that she’s their Real Mom, and also by buying them Nintendo Game Boys and letting them drive her BMW convertible. Everyone in this movie is mega-rich. Whatever Jude was doing during her three years of absence, it wasn’t lying drunken in the gutter somewhere. Maybe she’s the CEO of Asolut Vodka or something.

Anyway… Jude and Kes hatch out a plan to “scare” Cally a little bit, which basically means kill her. Along the way, Grandma (Redgrave) gets hospitalized, Robert’s huge menacing eyebrows get mussed up, and Ben gets impaled on a Tall Drink of Water. And yes! This movie ends with a car-balanced-on-cliff scene! Don’t miss the Amazing Gravity-Defying Volvo held in place by a single dead tree, in a spectacular Death-Defying climax!

This is such an awesome movie; I can’t believe that more people don’t remember it. I have vivid recollections of watching this on Showtime when I was a kid (back then there was a box that sat on the TV, and you had to press a button to get Showtime…) The songs are disturbingly catchy and I can still hum them today. It’s also a blast seeing Michael Jackson with a real nose and everything!

This is a retelling of The Wizard of Oz with an All-Afro-American cast. There’s a buttload of 70’s stars like Diana Ross, Lena Horne, Richard Pryor, and Mabel King. And the greatest surprise of all… this movie was co-written by Cheesemaster Joel Schumacher, responsible for bringing such corny classics as Flatliners, The Lost Boys, Batman Forever, St Elmo’s Fire, and (brace yourself) THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN into the world!!! Unbelievable!

I actually thought this movie was a very clever adaptation of L. Frank Baum’s book. The action takes place in a psychedelic, decaying New York– one that’s full of corruption, drugs, and violence. There are some priceless moments of cheese in this masterpiece, such as:

• When Dorothy gets spit into Oz by the cyclone, she crashes through a huge “OZ” neon sign.
• The munchkins are actually taggers who get turned into graffiti by the Wicked Witch of the East (Dorothy kills her when the neon sign lands on her.) They do an Alvin Aileyesque street dance number.
• When Dorothy & Co. encounter the Cowardly Lion outside the Public Library (he’s one of the two stone lions) the signs in the crosswalk say “DON’T EASE.”
• Our heroes go down into the subway, where they’re attacked by man-eating trashcans and a psychotic panhandler.
• Evillene, the Wicked Witch of the West, sits atop a giant toilet.
• The Wicked Witch of the West’s evil Flying Monkeys are really a tough biker gang.
• (I want a giant camera costume like the guy in the Emerald City!)

Our heroes have to “Ease on Down the Road” to the Emerald city, along the way encountering urban perils like drug use, muggers, slavery, and expressionist dance. They also have to endure the Tin Man’s (Nipsy Russell) occasional hysterical outbursts of “Teeny, Teeny!” while projectile tears squirt out of his face. When they eventually make it to the Emerald City, it’s a huge Studio 54-esque discotheque where the partygoers all dress in the same color, changing outfits every time the Great and Powerful Oz decides to change the lights. Every time the lights change, they have to sing a song about how great that color is. Uhm, right! It’s like the band Chic got together with Martha Stewart or something.

Filled with music co-written by Ashford and Simpson, Luther Vandross, and Quincy Jones, this movie is sure to make any self-respecting gen-X-er yearn for his or her childhood. And Diana Ross plays the part of Dorothy to spectacular dramatic effect, have periodic outbursts of face-twisting agony. In the words of my roommate Jed, “That’s why they call her a Diva, darling.” But what’s with that dress? Violet is definitely not her color.

What are you waiting for, a house to fall on you? Ease on down to the video store and rent The Wiz. Do it now! You’ve got to be seen, in Green! You’ve got to be dead, in Red! You’ve got the be rad, in Plaid…