CineBad!!!

You’ve got quite a ‘tude, man! Starring: Joan Jett, Michael J. Fox, Gena Rowlands

“You’ve got quite a ‘tude, man. You should start a band and call it The Attitude.”
Yes, it’s Joan Jett, in all her macho badass self, telling off Michael J. Fox. I actually liked this film a lot, although [...]

Hey, man, you’re whacked! Starring: Philip Michael Thomas, Rosalind Cash, Vernee Watson-Johnson
No, they didn’t actually say this in the film, but I was sorely tempted to yell it at Scooter while we were watching “Death Drug.” This is the story of Mr. Tubbs from Miami Vice battling the drug WHACK– not the [...]

What a life! Darby O’Gill traps a leprechaun in his barn, gets drunk with it, plays the fiddle alot, fights a banshee for his daughter’s life (the banshee looks a lot like the ghost costumes your mom used to make out of old sheets) and still finds time to grin in a toothless way now [...]

Starring: Mink Stole, Edith Massey
This is one of John Waters’ earlier films, and probably second only to Multiple Maniacs in terms of sheer weirdness.
Mink Stole (the world’s only female drag queen) stars as a rich shrieking housewife who one day murders her husband and sets off in a stolen car with [...]

This is a film that I remember seeing at the tender age of maybe seven or eight which has left an indelible mark upon my psyche. It is the story of a hapless Eskimo boy who, upon being struck by lightning, develops super-electrical powers, for which the government pursues and oppresses him. His is only [...]

Starring: Ricardo Montalban
Haven’t you always wanted to know what happens when superevolved Chimps from the 40th century fall through a time warp to the seventies? No? Well, they eat lots of oranges. The point of this movie seems to be to drive home the point that apes eat oranges. Apes eat oranges. [...]

Starring: Tura Satana, Haji, Lori Williams, Sue Bernard
John Waters thinks this is the best movie ever made. Why not? It’s the epic adventure of four voluptuous go-go dancers who like to spend their free hours drag racing and making smartaleck remarks. “Yeah, so what’s your point?” “No return, and you just crossed [...]

What can I say about a movie that has flying leather queens and giant phallic rocketships? This is sort of like Barbarella done by Tom of Finland instead of Mel Brooks.
Ming the Merciless decides to terrorize Earth by unleashing such meteorological horrors as “hot hail” (whatever?) upon us. Flash is a lovable [...]

Starring: Jodie Foster, Barbara Harris
It’s hard to make fun of Jodie Foster, even when she’s playing a 35 year old housewife trapped in the body of a thirteen year old. She’s just too good! That having been said, Freaky Friday is another gem of cheesy brilliance from the think tank that gave [...]

What happens when a mild-mannered college professor wearing an ugly ring his dad gave him crashes his Morris Mini into a tree? He gets transported into an alternate universe, of course! A universe where he’s forced to wear skimpy leather outfits and do battle with big hunky dudes in bejewelled battle armor.
Tarl our hero [...]

Starring: Ricki Lake, Divine
Here’s a nostalgic look at the sixties that doesn’t involve Tom Hanks.
Long before Ricky Lake was the queen of daytime trash TV, she was the queen of the hop. Here she stars as Tracy Turnblad, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who rises to fame [...]

Starring: Lily Tomlin
Also known as “Hjälp, Jag Krympar!” (Help, I’m Shrinking!) in Sweden, this was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid, largely because, when Lily Tomlin gets tiny enough, she gets to live in the Barbie dream house and snuggle up with Ken.
We watch Lily become a [...]

Starring: Disney People
This is my new favorite Disney movie!
Some rich English dude hasn’t heard from his son in two years and wants to find him! So he abducts some American guy who knows all about the Arctic and flies there in a blimp. I mean, he embarks upon an epic journey [...]

BEE DEE BEE DEE BEE DEE… HOLY CRAP! Starring: Gil Gerard, Erin Gray

Holy cow! If our CGI scripts allowed, I would gladly give this movie 600 swiss cheeses for ridiculousness. Every detail of this movie is inconceivably schmaltzy. I’m lactose intolerant, and I think I was actually having a bad reaction to [...]

Even a simple case of Saturday Night Fever could end his life. Starring: John Travolta, Glynnis O’Connor

This is the story of Todd Lubitch (Travolta,) the Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Why is he in the bubble? Because he was born with no immune system. That’s right, even a simple case of the [...]

You’d think they’d at least install a chair lift Starring: Bette Davis, Joan Crawford

I may have been mean to my sister when we were kids, but I never tried to feed her a dead budgie. This is the story of two show-business sisters, “Baby” Jane Hudson (Davis,) a washed-up vaudeville child star, [...]

Nuclear engineers aren’t “Fonda” Jane! Starring: Jane Fonda, Michael Douglas, Jack Lemmon
This is the story of Kimberly Wells, a plucky young reporter who wants to break out of the community bulletin beat and into “hard news.” While on assignment at a nuclear power facility, Kimberly and her crew steal some footage of [...]

Aw, go stick yer head in an oven already! Starring: Marilyn Hassett, Julie Harris, Jameson Parker

Based upon the timeless, teen-angst classic, Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, this film adaptation was a terrifying depiction of one young woman’s descent into annoyance. Scooter and I stared at the screen dumbfounded (well, maybe not completely [...]

Starring: Jodie Foster
This early Jodie Foster flick is the embodiment of all my adolescent dreams.
Jodie’s genius dad dies of natural causes, but decides to wander off and cast himself in the ocean, rather than die at home. He leaves Jodie with a wad of cash and a house in the country [...]

Starring: Michael York, Jenny Agutter
This is just such a fantastic movie in so many ways. Imagine a subterranean paradise whose inhabitants enjoy good food, uninhibited sex and free plastic surgery. Then, at the age of 30, they spontaneously combust, in a ritual the City dwellers call “Carousel.” That is, except for [...]