CineBad!!!

A movie with this much hype is almost destined to be awful, so in this respect, Cloverfield didn’t disappoint that much. The whole premise was kind of an interesting idea– a monster movie told in real-time filmed completely by the people experiencing the movie. However, “real time” can be a bitch, complete with the [...]

I can’t resist the $1.99 DVD bin as hard as I try. I especially can’t resist a movie that is filmed entirely in a made-up language (”Bulbovian”) and *SUBTITLED IN ESPERANTO* (yes, you heard that correctly). This movie seemed like a dream come true!
This is the tale of two soldiers from Bulbovia, an imaginary [...]

The best thing about this movie is the title– the Octagon. Doesn’t that sound ominous? It’s like the Pentagon, only with more sides. On the poster, the first “O” in “octagon” actually is an octagon. Isn’t that clever?
For some reason, I thought this was going to be a sci-fi movie. Maybe I was just [...]

300 bare-chested, sweat-glisteningly muscular men go up against incredible odds to fight the Persian army, wearing nothing but capes and leather undies. 300 follows in the tradition of great cinematic historical epics like Ben-Hur, by having you realize that in ancient times, dudes were all totally gay. How did the human race survive? The [...]

You’re probably thinking that this movie is a hip cry at a female officer, like “Yo, yo girl cop!” but it is not. It is exactly what it looks like– the cinematic portrayal of a teenaged girl recruited by the police, whose only weapon is a yo-yo. Granted the yo-yo can produce metal spikes when [...]

Made in 1938, this is a pretty standard western musical… except that it features an entirely midget cast (except a few characters who I swear were just kids made up to look like small adults). Is this a dwarf-sploitation film of epic proportions? Or is it a landmark in dwarf equality, where Little People before [...]

Starring Richard Harris, Charlotte Rampling and Bo Derek in her film debut!
Awww, look at Shamu. He’s such a sweetie, licking little kids and jumping out of the water to smack basketballs hanging from ropes! Why do they call them “killer whales,” when they’re so darn cute? Captain Nolan (Richard Harris), an inexplicably Irish fisherman living [...]

I’ve HAD IT with these MOTHERFUCKIN’ SNAKES on this MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANE!
It was an experience. It was an atmospheric happening. It was more than simply a movie; it was a collective adventure in cinematic exploration. The barriers between artist and viewer were smashed to a pulp from the moment we entered the theater, as the audience [...]

Your heartstrings begin to be tugged at right from the very first scene of this movie, when the Mom (Janine Turner, of Northern Exposure fame), the Snotty Older Sister (Casey Evans) and the protagonist are in a car, leaving their hometown. The protagonist (Zack, played by Dustin Hunter Evans) mournfully sets the scene when he [...]

Why do people re-make movies? Sometimes it is to further explore topics in the original, or to expound on missing elements. Sometimes they re-make them to turn an abstract foreign film into something Americans can understand. Sometimes they just do it because they can. I have a sneaking suspicion that The Omen got re-made because [...]

I’ll bet you never thought frogs were evil, did you? Well think again!
This tale centers around a creepily rich dysfunctional family gathered together for the grumpywheelchair-bound patriarch’s (played by Ray Milland, whose legend lives on in crossword puzzles) birthday in his Louisiana plantation house on an island. It’s an idyllic location, the house is surrounded [...]

OK OK, I realize that it’s cheating to watch this sort of movie and review it on a cheesy movie website. I mean, finding the cheesiness in Yor, Hunter From the Future is kind of like shooting sleeping elephants at the zoo–you don’t need very good aim. We here at Cinebad strive to find the [...]

Dolph Lundgren has always been one of the world’s greatest and most underrated actors. Here he gets to show his tender side as He-Man, battling Skeletor, and saving the kingdom of Eternia.
Along the way, he brings a scantilly-clad Teela, her dad, Gwildor the dwarf (they didn’t have the budget for that flying ghost thing in [...]

That people had learned their lesson and not named a ship The Poseidon. Besides, aren’t ships supposed to be given girls’ names?
Don’t get your hopes up– this is not the made-for-TV remake of The Poseidon Adventure that starred Steve Guttenberg, Rutger Hauer, C. Thomas Howell, and that chick who was Dr. Corday on E.R. I [...]

A girl (Rebecca) gets knocked up by her boyfriend. She wants to give the baby up for adoption, but somehow her boyfriend, a blond jocky-looking guy in a fabulously yellow sweater, has convinced her to just “go inside and see what it’s like” to an abortion clinic.
This is no ordinary abortion clinic, mind you. It’s [...]

Don’t let the lack of budget fool you– this movie is sort of deep. It’s a commentary on technology and the nature of humankind. well, sort of. It follows the trials of Starker, a guy on the run from two guys in  darkened office who follow his course around an unnamed city on their 80/88, [...]

Jodie Foster is the least sexy person on the planet. It’s a role she plays well; possibly even better now that she had some surgery or something that makes her face permanently grimace a la the Joker. Maybe it’s just her normal sour expression; she’s very good at being dour and businesslike. Normally, I am [...]

Starring: Julia Roberts, Patrick Bergin, Kevin Anderson

This movie made me realize the magic of bad cinema. If it weren’t for this film, I probably would not be the cynical obnoxious person I am today regarding the Silver Screen! There are so many things wrong with this film that it’s completely effortless to sit back and [...]

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Ron Perlman
It’s 200 years after Ellen Ripley has been killed by Aliens. Scientists have cloned her, and are now trying to breed Aliens to use for experiments.
Ripley’s clone is the first human-Alien hybrid, and she’s one mean motha’! She can knock out tough guys by hitting them with [...]

Starring: Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, Eric Stoltz
Yawn. A group of people is sailing through Florida, oops, I mean, the Amazon jungle to find a lost tribe to make a documentary about. The people include Ice Cube (the tough guy from LA), Jennifer Lopez (the t&a), Kari Wuhrer (the girl who screams), Eric [...]