CineBad!!!

Starring: Bruce Willis
I thought this would be another run-of-the-mill Forces of Nature Blowing Up NYC movie, but alas, it was not. After NY was blown up, the only other explosion was when Paris was destroyed. Oh well.
Armageddon was another sappy predictable about the near destruction of the world. Most of [...]

Starring: Uma Thurman, Ralph Fiennes
This is one Baby Boomer nostalgia tv show that sort of made the jump to moviedom fairly OK. I admit I found this movie really amusing at times. I was never a huge fan of the original series, however, so I probably missed a lot. Uma Thurman actually [...]

Starring: Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas
Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. That’s the main point of this movie. Boobs and blood. Somebody is going around killing people. Who is it? It’s pretty obvious, but I won’t ruin the suspense. Sharon Stone stars as the key suspect, who bares her boobs, has sex with people and makes [...]

A boy is branded with a mysterious mark at birth, and a toothless evil guy with skulls as hair ornaments spend a lot of time trying to kill him. He grows up and talks to animals, and befriends Kiri, an escaped slave girl (Tanya Roberts). Kris’ claim to fame is that she wears skimpy [...]

This film is worth it just to see 17th century Scottish people prancing around in plaid tights. There’s a great scene involving a bagpiper rumble (although the pipes sound strangely like the woodwind section of a major orchestra…) The songs are delightfully cheesy, second in cheese only to the extremely low-tech sets.
In Aberdeen I used [...]

Starring: Richard Harris, OJ Simpson, Sophia Loren
A train is speeding towards the famed Cassandra Crossing. This is the train trestle that people won’t live under for fear of its imminent collapse. This is the last bridge that many concentration camp victims saw in their lives. This is the bridge that we see [...]

Haven’t you always wanted to see Boston from a retard’s point of view? Charly is a “retardate” who gets an operation that makes him smarter. Upon becoming smarter, he joins a biker gang and smokes pot and has a psychedelic experience with bad special effects. Then he comes to his senses, and becomes a genius, [...]

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Meg Ryan
This is another movie that is specially formulated to make you cry every 5 minutes or so. It’s about a bunch of angels, who live in a library, and one of them (Nicholas Cage) falls in love with a mortal (Meg Ryan). Um, you cry some more and [...]

Starring: Nicholas Cage, John Malkovich, Colm Meaney, John Cusack
What happens when a bunch of convicted criminals hijack the plane they’re being transferred on? Lots of people get shot, and a lot of stuff blows up. People are forced to use catchy one-line threats such as “put… the… bunny… in… the… box!” before [...]

Starring: Sir Laurence Olivier, Claire Bloom
Sir Laurence Olivier is in his most powerful role to date: as the Mighty Zeus himself! Watch as he and the rest of the gods of Olympus smite people and entire cities! Meanwhile Perseus, our hero, goes around killing and dismembering all sorts of mythological beasts, rescuing [...]

SOS! The plane is sinking and we’re out of Vodka! Starring: Jack Lemmon, Lee Grant, Christopher Lee, Gil Gerard, Maidie Norman, Jimmy Stewart

A 747 full of drunken 1970’s movie stars is sure to crash somewhere, so why not the Bermuda Triangle? This particular Jumbo Jet is carrying priceless works of art, as [...]

Starring: Alison Elliot, Jared Smith, Christopher Walken
Guess what? for once, even though he gets his head chopped off early on in the film, Christopher Walken does not play a bad guy!! At least I don’t think he was all bad. He was kind of creepy and sinister, but not actually bad.
Nora (Elliott) [...]

Starring: Robin Williams, Monica Potter
This movie has a good intention. I mean, nobody likes to be in the hospital, and suicidal “Patch” Adams sees this. His whole deal is to turn his life around- go from a suicidal depressed person to a doctor who will heal his patients with humor. It’s all very [...]

Starring: Nicole deBoer, Nicky Guadagni, David Hewlett, Maurice Dean Wint

Our story opens with a guy waking up in a strange room… He opens a hatch and goes into another room just like the one he was in… then he gets sliced up like a hard-boiled egg in one of those wire [...]

Starring: Liam Neeson, Frances McDormand, Larry Drake
I watched this movie and was a bit confused. On the one hand, it was so incredibly cheesy it was amazing. No movie made in the 90s could be this un-self-consciously cheesy! So I thought to myself, “It must be a joke. It’s a parody.” I’m still [...]

Starring: Robin Williams, Annabella Sciorria, Cuba Gooding Jr.
OK, I’ll admit that watching this movie was nice. The special effects were pretty and the scenes of Hell were really cool. However, besides the effects, there’s not much else. This is yet another movie that’s scientifically formulated to yank as many tears as possible from [...]

Starring: John Voight, Mary Steenburgen
After staring open-mouthed at the TV screen for 2 and a half hours, I finally came to a conclusion as to why it was created. It was actually an insidious plot to get us to read the Bible. Why else would they take the story of Noah’s Ark and [...]

Starring: Craig Bierko, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Vincent D’Onofrio, Gretchen Moll
When I was in the video store, I overheard someone say “This makes The Matrix looks like child’s play!” Of course, I thought to myself, “Elmo in Grouchland makes The Matrix looks like child’s play,” but that’s another story. The Thirteenth Floor is another one [...]

Starring: Juliette Lewis, Giovanni Ribisi, Diane Keaton, Tom Skerrit
OK, I’ll admit that Juliette Lewis is one of my least favorite actresses on the planet, so this review is a little bit biased. In fact, one of the only things worse then seeing Juliette Lewis in a movie is seeing Juliette Lewis play a [...]

Starring: Helen Mirren, Susan St. James, Cloris Leachman

What was life like aboard the Titanic? Well, if you think it was like it was in the movie S.O.S. Titanic, then it was a lot like a very friendly singles’ bar. Yes, this fabled unsinkable ship was basically a big meat market. People spent [...]