CineBad!!!

Starring: Emily Bergl, Jesse Ryan, Amy Irving
What can I say? I thought the slasher type horror film genre was dead! It’s not, it’s just mutated a little bit. In this film, there was only one gory death scene, and it occurs near the end. It’s worthy of your worst Friday the 13th annoying [...]

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jeremy Irons, Gerard Depardieu, Gabriel Byrne, John Malkovich
The best part of this movie was seeing Athos’s (Malkovich) son doing his John Malkovich impression. I mean, he was really good at it! Other than that, this movie was fairly boring. It details the lives of the now washed-up Three Musketeers, as [...]

Starring: Meredith Salenger, John Cusack, Ray Wise, Lainie Kazan, Scatman Cruthers
This movie was actually pretty good. I mean, Natty (Salenger) is a butt-kickin’ young lady who has a way with animals. She is independent, and doesn’t take crap from anyone, yet she’s kind-hearted; loving animals, her dad, and Harry (Cusack) a fellow traveler. [...]

Starring: Jeff Bridges, Tim Robbins, Joan Cusack
Militias are so ‘96! I remember after the Oklahoma City bombing thing everyone was paranoid about militias. It seems like everyone who has ever experienced a bomb threat suddenly was convinced the militias were gathering in the hills, ready to blow up their workplace, shoot their dog, [...]

Starring: Bette Davis, Wendy Craig, Jill Bennett, William Dix

It’s not exactly a Mean Mother Movie, because it’s the Nanny, not the mother who is mean (the mother is just irritating.) But I think that Mean Caregivers are a nice subcategory of the Mean Mother genre. This is the tale of the torment of [...]

Starring: Christian Bale, Helen Mirren, Gabriel Byrne
Also known as Amled, Prinsen af Jylland , this Danish gem is an example of what the government of Denmark can do if it has a lot of money on its hands, but not many ideas. This film is a retelling of the Danish saga (”Amled, Prince [...]

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunney

The plot is simple: Arnold Schwarzenegger, a disgruntled alcoholic former cop, saves the world from a Satanic prophesy by wielding large weapons. What more can I say? The cheese is laid on thick in this high predictability factor action thriller. Lots of stuff blows up, and there [...]

Starring: John Cusack, Rodney A. Grant, L. Q. Jones, John Goodman
Why is this movie called The Jack Bull? Nobody’s name was Jack. I was thinking perhaps this is some sort of horse ranching term I don’t know about. There was one line in which the main character is compared to a Jack Russell [...]

Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Angela Bassett, Juliette Lewis
I actually watched this movie twice. The second time I saw it, I hadn’t realized that I’d already seen it a couple of years before until about half-way through. Even then, I finished watching it again simply because I couldn’t remember any of it. So here I [...]

Starring: Sylvester Stallone
Some crazy punks smash their car in the Lincoln Tunnel, causing mighty explosions at both ends, killing most people. The ragged diverse band of survivors are now trapped inside with water seeping in. Who will save them? Sylvester Stallone, a cop who was fired for some long drawn-out plot point [...]

Starring: David Carradine, Sylvester Stallone
This is my new favorite movie. I mean it! This film has everything! It’s the year 2000, and the United Provinces of America are gearing up to watch the most popular event of the year- a cross-country road race. The racers get bonus points for hitting pedestrians.
How [...]

Starring: Peter McNichol
This is one of my favorite Disney movies of all time. It’s a bit gory for a Disney flick (watch baby dragons chew on the dead princess’s corpse), but it’s still rated PG, so you can rent this one while babysitting! Peter McNichol stars as a wizard’s apprentice who sets [...]

Here’s a plot synopsis- two guys drive around the country on choppers. They do a lot of drugs. We see the countryside fly by as Baby Boomer music pours forth. Um, what more can I say? I understand now. I understand, man! This is a movie that shaped a generation, man! Now I know why [...]

“Tony! Do you hear the dogs?” This was an often repeated phrase amongst my peers and I, as we were forced to sit in the gym and watch this film every time it was too wet to play on the playground.
“Escape to Witch Mountain” is about two perfectly blonde children who are orphans. They [...]

Starring: Nigel Terry, Helen Mirren, Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart
It may be well worth it just to see “Excalibur” written in the shiny Excalibur font in the beginning of the movie! This is actually one of my favorite films, even though it looks like a big-budget 2+ hour Fleetwood Mac video. We see [...]

Starring: Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman
Everyone’s favorite Scientologist couple, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman star in this drama about impoverished Ireland and the American Dream.
Tom Cruise is Joseph, a small tenant farmer’s son who tries to fight for his rights against the cruel tyrant landlord who turns out to be a nice [...]

Starring: Sean Connery, Richard Gere
History nerds will love this one. There are at least 15 historical anachronisms in every scene, impress (or annoy) your friends by pointing them out! Sean Connery plays an aging King Arthur, who rules wisely and fairly etc. etc. And Richard Gere is that rogueish troublesome love-smitten knight, [...]

Starring: Demi Moore
Jordan O’Neil (Demi Moore) is the first woman to ever join the Navy SEALs. The odds are stacked way against her. Politics are stacked against her. Her teammates don’t like her very much. Will she succeed and gain rank, and the respect of her peers? What do you think? This [...]

You’ve watched Ed Wood and now salivate at the thought of watching one of his films… Resist! Resist! I too was once like you! I rented Glen or Glenda? and my vital signs had to be monitored for weeks afterwards, I was that close to slipping into a coma. In fact, with no discernable plot [...]

Everyone the world over can revel at the sight of NYC being destroyed. When I lived in Ireland, people who had never stepped foot in North America would joke with me about how dirty NYC is, and how nasty its inhabitants are. So this film is sure to be a winner with them.
We see [...]