CineBad!!!

Starring Richard Harris, Charlotte Rampling and Bo Derek in her film debut!
Awww, look at Shamu. He’s such a sweetie, licking little kids and jumping out of the water to smack basketballs hanging from ropes! Why do they call them “killer whales,” when they’re so darn cute? Captain Nolan (Richard Harris), an inexplicably Irish fisherman living [...]

I’ve HAD IT with these MOTHERFUCKIN’ SNAKES on this MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANE!
It was an experience. It was an atmospheric happening. It was more than simply a movie; it was a collective adventure in cinematic exploration. The barriers between artist and viewer were smashed to a pulp from the moment we entered the theater, as the audience [...]

Your heartstrings begin to be tugged at right from the very first scene of this movie, when the Mom (Janine Turner, of Northern Exposure fame), the Snotty Older Sister (Casey Evans) and the protagonist are in a car, leaving their hometown. The protagonist (Zack, played by Dustin Hunter Evans) mournfully sets the scene when he [...]

I’ll bet you never thought frogs were evil, did you? Well think again!
This tale centers around a creepily rich dysfunctional family gathered together for the grumpywheelchair-bound patriarch’s (played by Ray Milland, whose legend lives on in crossword puzzles) birthday in his Louisiana plantation house on an island. It’s an idyllic location, the house is surrounded [...]

Starring: Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, Eric Stoltz
Yawn. A group of people is sailing through Florida, oops, I mean, the Amazon jungle to find a lost tribe to make a documentary about. The people include Ice Cube (the tough guy from LA), Jennifer Lopez (the t&a), Kari Wuhrer (the girl who screams), Eric [...]

A boy is branded with a mysterious mark at birth, and a toothless evil guy with skulls as hair ornaments spend a lot of time trying to kill him. He grows up and talks to animals, and befriends Kiri, an escaped slave girl (Tanya Roberts). Kris’ claim to fame is that she wears skimpy [...]

If you only see one Planet of the Apes movie this year, let it be this one. Captain Taylor, Cornelius, Zira, and all your hairy friends are back in a rip- rollicking romp across the surface of fortieth-century Earth. Everything is peachy until they discover– whoops!– a subterranean race of prehistoric humans who enshrine and [...]

Starring: Ricardo Montalban
Haven’t you always wanted to know what happens when superevolved Chimps from the 40th century fall through a time warp to the seventies? No? Well, they eat lots of oranges. The point of this movie seems to be to drive home the point that apes eat oranges. Apes eat oranges. [...]

Everyone the world over can revel at the sight of NYC being destroyed. When I lived in Ireland, people who had never stepped foot in North America would joke with me about how dirty NYC is, and how nasty its inhabitants are. So this film is sure to be a winner with them.
We see [...]

“Babe” meets “Lord of the Flies” Starring: Patrick Stewart, Ian Holm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Pete Postlethwaite, Kelsey Grammar
I guess this isn’t technically a “futuristic” Dystopia, since it takes place in the past, but it contains all of the elements of that genre. Since there’s no “antiquated Dystopia” category, just deal with the inaccuracy! [...]

Starring: Denise Crosby, Fred Gwynne, Dale Midkiff
This movie wasn’t actually about a pet sematary, which I found sort of annoying. I pictured zombie cats and goldfish coming back to attack people, but what I got was much worse. No, I never read the book, and no, I never plan to. In fact, I’ve [...]

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, William Baldwin, and a Bear
Charles Morse (Anthony Hopkins) is stranded in the unfamiliar Alaskan wilderness with the guy who’s doin’ his wife. Luckily, he’s super brilliant, and can remember how to survive. This comes in handy, because the two are being stalked by a bloodthirsty grizzly bear. If you’re [...]

Starring: Ed Begley Jr., Stockard Channing
This is a cautionary tale of environmentalism. Humans have been causing the annihilation of the rainforests, and the decimation of the bug population. Now the bugs are going to fight back. Armed with the Dick and Jane texts that Peace Corps volunteers used to educate the rainforest natives, [...]

Starring: Laura Linney, Dylan Walsh, Ernie Hudson, Tim Curry

Holy Cow! That’s all I can say! I watched this one with an open-mouthed stare– It was as cheesy as a cheese can be. I highly recommend it! Anything that stars Tim Curry as a Romanian philanthropist/adventurer named Herkimer Homolka is worth a look.

Based [...]

Starring: Tanya Roberts, Ted Wass
When the sacred mountain rumbles, a golden she-goddess will take over, or something like that. Anyway, that she-goddess turned out to be Sheena, a little girl whose archaeologist parents got wiped out by the rumbling mountain. They were investigating why, when you buried people in sand up to their [...]