Archive for the ‘When Animals Attack’ Category


Friday, March 9th, 2007

Starring Richard Harris, Charlotte Rampling and Bo Derek in her film debut!

Awww, look at Shamu. He’s such a sweetie, licking little kids and jumping out of the water to smack basketballs hanging from ropes! Why do they call them “killer whales,” when they’re so darn cute? Captain Nolan (Richard Harris), an inexplicably Irish fisherman living in Canada gets to learn exactly why this is. In the wild, Shamu is a vicious, sadistic, cold, calculating killer.

Even though Rachel (Rampling), the Killer Whale expert who lectures at a local university warns him not to, Nolan decides he wants to catch an orca and sell it to an aquarium. Used to dealing in sharks, Nolan has no idea what he’s in for, and therefore needs Rachel and her stock footage to clue him in on the David Attenborough-esque details of killer whale life.

This comes in especially handy when while attempting to capture an orca, he accidentally kills a mommy and her unborn baby.

During the Wild Kingdom portion of the movie we learn that Orcas are monogamous and mate for life, they are really really smart, and they never forget a face. This last thing is the key to the rest of the movie, as Shamu hunts down Nolan and his crew, trying to chomp them.

Watch some hot Orca-on-wharf action as the pissed-off daddy orca rams the pylons that pretty much hold an entire town together! Somehow, knocking down some boathouses and wharves in the town where Captain nolan is staying Shamu manages to set fire to an entire town! You heard me. One whale. A whole town.

This is an obvious Jaws rip-off, but it’s much classier, and gorier in some parts. Jaws doesn’t get to eat entire towns, now does he? It’s worth it alone for the gratuitous use of Irish Fisherman sweaters.

Snakes on a Plane

Saturday, August 19th, 2006

snakes_200.jpgI’ve HAD IT with these MOTHERFUCKIN’ SNAKES on this MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANE!

It was an experience. It was an atmospheric happening. It was more than simply a movie; it was a collective adventure in cinematic exploration. The barriers between artist and viewer were smashed to a pulp from the moment we entered the theater, as the audience chanted “SNAKES! SNAKES! SNAKES!” over the pre-movie ads for washed up tv shows now running on TBS. The lights dimmed, people cheered. Previews for lame movies dragged on and on, prompting the snake-lovers to hiss, snake-like. When Samuel L.’s name appeared in the titles, joyous hissing, shouting of “SNAKES!” thundrous applause echoed through the cineplex. People cheered at everything cheer-worthy, even when the co-star pulled out a can of Red Bull someone yelled “YEAH PRODUCT PLACEMENT!” and everyone laughed and cheered. At the point in the movie where the snake containment door is counting down to when the snakes are released on the plane, the audience shouted “4… 3… 2… 1… SNAAAAAAAKES!!!” and the cheers were deafening. …And this was all waaaaaaay before Sam even got to his famous line.
The movie itself bucked most disaster movie traditions– there was no smack-worthy hysterical bitch, the old sage person was pretty funny in addition to being heroic and wise, and minimal ethnic people died, if any. It was disastrous, and yet almost parodied the genre, but without havint to resort to guitar-playing nuns and old lady Jive Translators. It was action-packed without being a soulless instant-gratification Stuff Blowing Up movie.

For the unforgettable imagery, there were gratuitous shots of nekkid boobies being attacked by snakes, a snake-on-wang induced death, snakes eating peoples’ eyes out, and even a WARNING: SPOILER small dog became a boa constrictor snack. Basically, a cinematic apex has been reached: this movie has everything. Snakes on a Plane managed to combine the most amusing, tense, and interesting formulas from both slasher movies and disaster flicks– it made you tense wondering who was going to die next (you were pretty much rooting for everyone). However, just when you were pondering the futility of humanity, and thinking about the beauty of simple survival, snakes would jump out and start maiming people and the blood would being to spatter. People don’t usually die Freddy Krueger style in disaster flicks, probably because filmmakers want to be sympathetic to the people in peril (except the obvious baddies who you know will die). Hey, the marrying of two cinematic traditions works for me!snakesoncrack.jpeg

This movie will totally be the next Rocky Horror Picture Show. People already showed up to this one with stuffed snakes, ready to cheer, boo and of course hiss at opportune moments. Coming to a small college auditorium nowhere near you in 20 years– Snakes on a Plane – the Total experience. Forget the wax lips– airline hostess costumes and leis are where it’s at for the reptilian cult of the future! Take note, future Newbury Comics merchandise buyers.


Miracle Dogs Too

Sunday, July 23rd, 2006

Your heartstrings begin to be tugged at right from the very first scene of this movie, when the Mom (Janine Turner, of Northern Exposure fame), the Snotty Older Sister (Casey Evans) and the protagonist are in a car, leaving their hometown. The protagonist (Zack, played by Dustin Hunter Evans) mournfully sets the scene when he asks, “Mom, are we moving because you and dad got divorced?”Cut then to a couple of Hooligans, Francis and Leo (Jonathon Trent and the amazing Jaleel White, who looks about 40 now). They are homeless kids roaming the country causing trouble. They steal a car and find a couple of dogs in the back in a cage. Of couse the Bad Kid (not Urkel, of course) wants to kill them, so he sends the Good Kid (Urkel) to dispatch the pooches, and of course, being Good, Urkel can’t kill them.

Zack of course finds the dogs, and your heartstrings are tugged at a little more when you find that he can’t keep the dogs because his Bratty Sister is afraid of dogs. When she was little, she was bit by a dog, and thus has a barely noticeable scar on her eyelid which causes her to wear sunglasses all the time as she snottily dismisses the attention lavished upon her by the jocky neighbor. Zack is forced to hide the dogs, which calls for a bit of hilarity as well as more of the cockles of your heart being warmed.
At this point, your heartstrings are practically snapping as your heart is in danger of popping out of your chest.  Zack learns that the dogs heal people when he randomly walks into a doctor’s office one day and all the people in the waiting room are miraculously cured of their sniffles and coughs.

The Mom is director of a nursing home that is staffed by the nazi-esque Nurse Bleaker (Lesley Ann Warren) who doesn’t let the residents have any fun. Heartwarmingness comes in the form of a seemingly grumpy old sea captain (Charles Durning) whom Zack befriends, as well as a studly young doctor whom Mom (more than) befriends. Captain Pete agrees to watch the dogs for Zack, and of course the dogs get loose and heal all the old people, who end up having a big wild and crazy(yet heartwarming) dance party in one of the common rooms.

All the subplots intersect eventually and everyone learns a valuable moral lesson about the nature of being good with vaguely Christian overtones as the viewer’s heart is now so warm it resembles the sacrifice scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. This movie is actually fairly dangerous. Although there is no sex, no bad words (unless you count “darn”), no violence of any sort, it causes heart damage. I think the American Heart Association put this movie out to keep them in business with all of the heartstring tugging and warming that goes on. I don’t think it could be any more heartwarming, in fact.

Basically: avoid this movie at all costs.miracledogs.jpg


Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

frogs.JPGI’ll bet you never thought frogs were evil, did you? Well think again!

This tale centers around a creepily rich dysfunctional family gathered together for the grumpywheelchair-bound patriarch’s (played by Ray Milland, whose legend lives on in crossword puzzles) birthday in his Louisiana plantation house on an island. It’s an idyllic location, the house is surrounded by trees covered with Spanish moss, and the woods are populated with both boa constrictors AND rattlesnakes! Who knew they could live side by side in the bayou?

The over-zealously boating grandson accidentally knocks over the canoe of Pickett Smith (Sam Elliott), a nature photographer who is documenting the pollution on the bayou. Smith gets invited to Grumpy Grandpa’s 4th of July/birthday party, and unwittingly gets enmeshed in the attack of the killer… things that aren’t frogs.

All throughout the movie, in between scenes you see ominous pictures of frogs. The music growls menacingly as we see these creatures of doom fearlessly hopping along. However, although the island is overrun with frogs, frogs don’t actually inflict any harm on anyone; they just hop around menacingly. However, we do get to see stock-footage of other creatures who inhabit the island looking scary and pissed off. For example, there are these gecko-things that keep pouting for the camera, but do very little.

However, people keep dying (non frog-related deaths). Tyrannically Grouchy Grandpa refuses to let any of his family leave the island, but they attempt to anyway. Of course, they die.

Here’s the rundown of how they die:

Michael (the cousin) – accidentally shoots himself in the leg. While he’s lying on the ground, stock footage of tarantulas cover him with evil Spanish moss until he dies.

Kenneth (the other guy) – is in the greenhouse when some geckos knock bottles marked “POISON” off the shelf. The bottles break, giving off dry ice. Of course Kenneth goes to investigate, sniffing the gas, and is asphyxiated.

Iris (the Grandma) stumbles through the scrubby woods in search of butterflies, which she collects. After a lengthy sequence in which she gets entangled in all sorts of vines, falls into a puddle and gets covered with giant leeches, sees 10 different species of snakes lurking around causing her to scream, she finally gets bitten by a snake and instantly and anti-climactically dies.

Her husband is looking for her, and gets pulled into a pit filled with what looks like tar by an alligator. He is then left there covered in black sludge while the alligator looks smug.

Clint (the guy living forever in the shadow of his grandfather) ends up in the water and is pulled under by some unknown creature. We assume it’s a snake.

Clint’s wife runs to rescue him and is munched by a snapping turtle.

See any pattern here? These deaths are all connected by one factor: None of them are actually caused by frogs. In beween killings, frogs hop around threateningly, and occasionally triumphantly hop on the corpses, but they are essentially benign creatures…

Until it’s time for the increasingly mean, nasty grandpa to kick off. Left alone on the island after stubbornly refusing to leave, the frogs begin breaking the windows… the last scene is him falling out of his wheelchair… then his body is hopped upon by evil frogs. So… frogs caused him to have a heart attack. Is that the best they could do? They should have called this movie “Anything But Frogs” or “The Frogs Hopped On” or perhaps “Frogs Would Have Killed People, Really, If Frogs Were Dangerous.” But no. “Frogs” it is.

Oh yeah, like in all good movies, there’s a moral. I think the moral is: be nice to animals, and don’t pollute, or frogs will annoy you to death.


Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, Eric Stoltz

Yawn. A group of people is sailing through Florida, oops, I mean, the Amazon jungle to find a lost tribe to make a documentary about. The people include Ice Cube (the tough guy from LA), Jennifer Lopez (the t&a), Kari Wuhrer (the girl who screams), Eric Stoltz (the smart guy who is incapacitated due to an impromptu tracheotomy), Owen Wilson (the blond guy who’s gonna die any second), and Jon Voight (the snobby English guy who plays golf). That’s about all you need to know about the characters in this film.

While travelling down the river, they meet an ex-priest who now devotes his life to finding snakes and selling them to zoos. He tricks them all into trying to capture a live anaconda- a snake of giant bad computer graphics proportion who eats its victims and then pukes them up so he can go kill more. This guy, due to the music that’s played whenever he’s around, turns out to be the Bad Guy. He goes nuts and becomes a man obsessed with capturing the snake, and killing the documentary crew.

The best part of the film comes when the snake eats the Bad Guy, and then barfs him up whole so he can go after Jennifer Lopez. Bad Guy’s partially digested corpse winks at her. Yum. Avoid this movie at all costs, unless you like gazing at Jennifer Lopez’s cleavage and butt.


Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

A boy is branded with a mysterious mark at birth, and a toothless evil guy with skulls as hair ornaments spend a lot of time trying to kill him. He grows up and talks to animals, and befriends Kiri, an escaped slave girl (Tanya Roberts). Kris’ claim to fame is that she wears skimpy leather things and kills bad guys with her lethal hair combs. Together they battle fleshy monsters whose hugs turn people into green-slime oozing piles of bones. This film also features a great feline of undetermined species (I think it’s a tiger painted black to look like a panther) and a pair of ferrets who provide comic relief as well as a convenient plot device.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

If you only see one Planet of the Apes movie this year, let it be this one. Captain Taylor, Cornelius, Zira, and all your hairy friends are back in a rip- rollicking romp across the surface of fortieth-century Earth. Everything is peachy until they discover– whoops!– a subterranean race of prehistoric humans who enshrine and worship the atomic bomb. Just wait till they sing their “bomb” hymn!

Escape from the Planet of the Apes

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Ricardo Montalban

Haven’t you always wanted to know what happens when superevolved Chimps from the 40th century fall through a time warp to the seventies? No? Well, they eat lots of oranges. The point of this movie seems to be to drive home the point that apes eat oranges. Apes eat oranges. In almost every scene, apes are consuming oranges. Another thing about apes is that they get drunk and pass out after about three sips of champagne.

This movie had every Hollywood convention: pop culture references, an evil bad guy with a German accent, a long, drawn-out chase scene, a baby, and a quadruple death scene, yet it was strangely boring. Perhaps if they had used more than three sets or written some actual dialogue. The apes don’t even speak for the first half hour, and as soon as Dr Milo delivers about four lines, he expires. Even the inexplicable presence of Ricardo Montalban wasn’t enough to save this one.


Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Everyone the world over can revel at the sight of NYC being destroyed. When I lived in Ireland, people who had never stepped foot in North America would joke with me about how dirty NYC is, and how nasty its inhabitants are. So this film is sure to be a winner with them.

We see just about every major landmark (save for the Statue of Liberty, but we’ll leave that to all of the other big disaster films that have ever come out) be destroyed either by our giant lizard friend, or by our Armed Forces, who can bomb a Sudanese factory from thousands of miles away, but can’t seem to hit a 200 foot lizard from 20 feet away. Godzilla manages to outsmart the army and the navy long enough to populate Madison Square Gardens with lots of baby Godzillae…hmmm, a sequel?

There are a couple of subplots involving the French secret service and a romance between the two main characters. This movie proves that not even Godzilla can catch a cab on Broadway!

Animal Farm

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
“Babe” meets “Lord of the Flies”
Starring: Patrick Stewart, Ian Holm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Pete Postlethwaite, Kelsey Grammar

I guess this isn’t technically a “futuristic” Dystopia, since it takes place in the past, but it contains all of the elements of that genre. Since there’s no “antiquated Dystopia” category, just deal with the inaccuracy!

The most sinister thing about this film is how they changed the ending. Sure, it wasn’t true to the book, but it actually managed to completely negate the entire book in the process. It was kind of creepy how the ending basically said “captivity and domesticity is best.” Hello? What’s the point of even making a movie out of the book, whose only point seemed to be to make a political statement, if you don’t make the political statement? Why not just make Babe III: Pig On Jones’s Farm?

They added other things in as well– hmmm, I don’t remember Farmer Jones gettin’ it on with the neighbor’s lecherous wife in the book. What was the point? Because I guess cute animals and violence aren’t enough to make a film anymore– even with lots of both, you still need a little boo-tay to round things off. Gee, I sound like one of those Christian network movie reviewers! But it’s true!

The animals themselves were pretty good in this, despite the sometimes cheesy computer graphics. How could Captain Picard not add an air of dignity to the voice of a pig–even a fascist pig? The addition of newsreels to the propaganda arsenal of the pigs is sort of cheesy as well. It’s sort of funny, though, when the pigs show a Nazi-like training film showing geese who are goose-stepping and singing a patriotic song.

All in all, the book was completely obvious in the message it delivered. Still, when you see it acted out on screen, the obvious message hitting home is, well, too obvious. I think they could have made the connection between farm animals and Soviet Communism a little more subtle, but whatever. The non-subtle nature made it grade-A cheese!

Pet Sematary

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Denise Crosby, Fred Gwynne, Dale Midkiff

This movie wasn’t actually about a pet sematary, which I found sort of annoying. I pictured zombie cats and goldfish coming back to attack people, but what I got was much worse. No, I never read the book, and no, I never plan to. In fact, I’ve never read any of Stephen King’s books, but I keep thinking maybe I should. I know people from the lowliest trailer dwellers to the snobbiest Ivy League nerds who worship the books of this Cheesemeister, and I was almost tempted to fork over the $8.00 library fine I owe to see what the mystique was.

I didn’t bother. After seeing Pet Sematary, the mystique was lost. Denise Crosby’s hair is pleasantly monotone in this cheese fest of fondue-swimming-pool proportions. It begins as the happy Creed family move to a sleepy little New England house, which for some reason has Spanish moss growing around it. There is a mysterious path leading into the woods, and Jud (Fred Gwynne, aka Herman Munster,) the friendly elderly neighbor, eventually shows them what’s down there- the Pet Sematary. Why is it spelled wrong? Who knows? It doesn’t figure into the plot much anyway. We do find out that the road between Jud’s and the Creeds’ houses is very, very busy. The same big tanker truck whizzes by at all hours of the night. The Pet Sematary is for the roadkill victims of the trucks.

Ellie, the whiny little girl has a cat named Church, (short for Winston Churchill) that she loves. Eventually, poor Church ends up a road pizza on Jud’s lawn. Jud shows Louis, the Dad (Dale Midkiff) an Indian burial ground, beyond the Pet Sematary, which Victor, the Bloody Ghost warned him not to go to. Victor is a road accident victim that Louis tried to save. Being dead, and therefore an expert on all things pertaining to the supernatural, he shows up a lot and warns people of danger. Anyway, Jud and Louis bury Church, and the next day…poof! He’s back! But he isn’t the same little kitty. He’s much meaner.

Gage, the Creeds’ toddler son, gets the same treatment when he, too, is flattened by a truck. Now, Gage was the 171st most popular boy’s name in America in 1998, and it’s all due to this movie. Why anyone would want to name a baby after a reanimated dead kid is beyond me, but anyway… Gage isn’t the same adorable toddler when resurrected. He enjoys the taste of flesh and has a lot of fun with daddy’s scalpel. He runs around brandishing the scalpel with an evil scowl- it’s priceless.

Anyway, Louis thinks Gage went bad because he was dead too long before he was resurrected. Rachel (his wife) has only been dead a few minutes, will she be the same again? What do you think? Will she kick butt all over her dead sister whom she never liked? That figures into the plot. When she was a little girl, Rachel’s sister Zelda (actually played by Andrew Hubatsek?!?) was dying of Bad Special Effects, oops I mean, spinal meningitis. She died while Rachel was left alone with her. But the sad thing was, Rachel wanted her to die. Because of this small subplot, Zelda is going to come back from the dead to get even.

This film is full of bad special effects, cheesy acting and just overall badness. You’ll be really annoyed at the little girl, especially, who has whining down to a science. I actually found myself rooting for the homicidal Gage, who goes after the bland caricatures of his parents. Don’t miss Steve himself in a cameo appearance as a preacher. Nope, Stephen is actually a worse actor than the little girl. At least the little girl has some oomph!

The Edge

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Anthony Hopkins, William Baldwin, and a Bear

Charles Morse (Anthony Hopkins) is stranded in the unfamiliar Alaskan wilderness with the guy who’s doin’ his wife. Luckily, he’s super brilliant, and can remember how to survive. This comes in handy, because the two are being stalked by a bloodthirsty grizzly bear. If you’re into survival movies, this one’s not bad. It’s fairly predictable, but the predictability is so obvious it’s amusing at times. You know exactly who will be eaten by a bear and when. Was there any doubt that Charles’ wife Mickey Morse (Elle MacPhereson, in a brilliant role as a supermodel) married him for his money? The bear doesn’t even get a billing in this film! Call the Animal Rights Activists!

The Applegates

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Ed Begley Jr., Stockard Channing

This is a cautionary tale of environmentalism. Humans have been causing the annihilation of the rainforests, and the decimation of the bug population. Now the bugs are going to fight back. Armed with the Dick and Jane texts that Peace Corps volunteers used to educate the rainforest natives, a bug family has decided to infiltrate the human population. They disguise themselves as the Perfect Family and plan to blow up the local nuclear power plant. Things start to go awry, though, when the family starts acting like humans. Jane, the mom (Channing,) gets addicted to credit cards, Johnny, the son, becomes a burnout, and Sally, the daughter, gets pregnant. The exterminator neighbor begins to suspect something is up, when his dog drags in Spot, the dog, in his giant bug state.

Brought to you by Michael Lehmann, the man who brought you Heathers, this is a goofy, totally funny tale.


Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Laura Linney, Dylan Walsh, Ernie Hudson, Tim Curry

Holy Cow! That’s all I can say! I watched this one with an open-mouthed stare– It was as cheesy as a cheese can be. I highly recommend it! Anything that stars Tim Curry as a Romanian philanthropist/adventurer named Herkimer Homolka is worth a look.

Based on the Michael Crichton thriller about killer gorillas, this film is bound to please. It starts out with an expedition to the Congo to find a diamond that a Meglomaniacal International Business Conglomerate Guy can use to make a laser gun so powerful it can “drill holes on the moon” from Earth. The Business Guy’s son is on the expedition, so when there’s a problem, he sends his right-hand-woman (and son’s ex-fiance, Dr. Ross, played by Linney) to the Congo to find out what’s going on. What is going on? All we see is a satellite transmission which includes dead bodies around the camp, and large creatures running around before they eventually knock over the cameras and it all goes blank.

Enter Peter and Amy, a primatologist and his midget in a monkey suit, er, I mean, gorilla who “talks” via a electric interpreting device that translates and speaks her sign language in a weird computerized voice. Peter decides that Amy is really depressed because she’s homesick, and decides to take her back to Africa. Coincidentally, Amy’s birthplace and the place where the expedition disappeared are the same place! Dr Ross and Peter team up, and Herkemer Homolka joins along because he enjoys “doing good.” Thus they go to Africa, which is full of military unrest and Primative Tribes who do funkily hysterical ceremonies. There are also volcanoes. Rule of Cheesy Movies #1: any film containing a volcano has high cheese value!

It turns out that Herkemer is really looking for the legendary King Solomon’s Mines (Rule of Cheesy Movies #3: any film where members are searching for the afroresaid mines is bound to have a high cheese value,) so this film becomes more adventurous and exotic as our adventurers slash their way through rooms full of houseplants, er, I mean the Congo, in search of the ancient mines. Herkemer believes that Amy holds the key to finding the mines because she keeps finger painting eyes on everything. It all ties together, I won’t go into the details! Accompanying our fearless adventurers is a cast of “African” porters who leap into a Ladysmith Black Mambazo-esque rendition of “California Dreaming.” Everybody dreams of California in Africa, didn’t you know that?

This movie has it all– laser beams, final showdowns with creepy mean gorillas, cute gorillas who provide comic relief and touching scenes– I mean it has it all. The jungle looks like someone dumped several barrels of MiracleGro in my living room. (Note: do not watch this movie with an ethnobotanist, or anyone else who can identify houseplants, that is, unless you enjoy people sarcastically muttering “Nice philodendron!” and “Ooh. You should water that schefflera.” throughout the whole thing.)


Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Tanya Roberts, Ted Wass

When the sacred mountain rumbles, a golden she-goddess will take over, or something like that. Anyway, that she-goddess turned out to be Sheena, a little girl whose archaeologist parents got wiped out by the rumbling mountain. They were investigating why, when you buried people in sand up to their necks in the region, their cancer got cured. Anyway, their little brown-eyed daughter Janet became the blue-eyed Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. (incidentally, Sheena is Scottish Gaelic for Janet, so perhaps this generic African tribe who adopted her was actually a lost tribe of Gaels)

Thus queened, Sheena had the power to call animals by making a fist and pressing it to her forehead and intently gazing skyward. She also had the authority to wear a skimpy fur bikini, rather than the traditional sari-like garb of the tribe. Luckily, she retained some of her English language, although her ability to form contractions, like “don’t”, “can’t” and “won’t” was lost to her vocabulary.

Sheena meets up with Vic Casey (Wass, best known as Danny on Soap), a journalist from the US. They have an adventure, trying to thwart bad guys who want to exploit the sacred rumbling mountain for its titanium deposits. On the way, Vic Casey discovers the secret of natural hair care:

Vic Casey: Your hair smells fantastic! What did you use to wash it?
Sheena, QotJ: Zam zam berries. What else would a woman use?

Sheena also gains cultural insight from the encounter. She learns the secret of kissing,. “Mouths were made for eating. Why did you touch yours to mine?” she demands of Vic Casey. Apparently, even though the villagers who adopted Sheena are extremely generous and kind, (as shown by Sheena’s description of their reception of Vic Casey: “You will be made welcome in Zakuro. [The head man’s] locust bean cakes will be your locust been cakes. His fermented buffalo milk will be your fermented buffalo milk…”) kissing is a phenomenon which apparently doesn’t exist in her sheltered village.

Later on, Vic Casey is healed by the sacred mountain’s dirt. When he discovers its healing properties, he is extremely excited at the prospect of curing world cancer. However, in the end, Vic decides to let the discovery go unnoticed, as he wants Sheena’s village to remain as pristine and untouched as it always has been. Now come on, what’s more important? Healing worldwide disease, or letting a handful of natives with bad accents who hold conferences with elephants and ride horses painted to look like zebras keep up their inefficient hunter/gatherer lifestyle? Whatever your choice, Vic Casey was only thinking of his love for Sheena, and how he didn’t want the world to “adore [her] to death” or to “put stiff hides on [her] feet.”

I’m probably making way too much out of this movie. However. I was impressed by the usage of the “stop, drop, and roll” technique by a character who caught himself on fire. Usually in films and television, the second a person is engulfed in flames, it’s his or her cue to run around, wildly thrashing his or her arms. Let this be an important safety lesson to the people of the world.