Archive for the ‘Too Boring To Watch’ Category

Android

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

WARNING! WARNING! BAD FILM APPROACHING!

You may be tempted to rent this movie, but don’t. We did, because of the hi-tec cover art. Yet this movie had absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It’s chock-full of unknown actors, and stars a young android who lives alone in deep space with his maker, whose name I forget.

Eventually (after many dull and boring scenes) they get hijacked by space bandits and many poorly orchestrated fight scenes ensue. Finally we learn that the android’s maker is himself an android– surprise! You’ve been warned.

The Jack Bull

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: John Cusack, Rodney A. Grant, L. Q. Jones, John Goodman

Why is this movie called The Jack Bull? Nobody’s name was Jack. I was thinking perhaps this is some sort of horse ranching term I don’t know about. There was one line in which the main character is compared to a Jack Russell terrier, but then he mentions a British bulldog? Is there a Jack connection? I don’t know– I’m a cat person, but I think I may have hit on something here. However, none of the parties with whom I watched this film picked up on that. But then, not all of the parties with whom I watched this film with opted to remain for the entire duration.

Jack Bull is the tale of Myrl Redding (Cusack), a horse rancher who was wronged by a bad guy (based on a true story!). It’s your basic good-guy-versus-bad-guy flick from here on. It’s full of people making speeches about justice and morality. The bad guys are mean, rude and uncaring stereotypes, and the good guys are nice and kind and love animals. Most of the lawmen are corrupt, and everyone else fits into a nice little character stereotype in some way or another. Guys ride around on horses and pass the same windmill about 6 times. Unlike westerns of the past, this film is multicultural– there’s a Black guy, a couple of Native Americans, assorted Europeans, and one lady from Generica (she just has some sort of foreign accent).

For a totally formulaic western, this wasn’t that bad. in fact, John Cusack and the other actors were actually pretty good. Of course, John Cusack is how old? around 30? How he can have a son who looks about 14 is beyond me, but I’m just being picky. We get the surprise twist– the good guy dies and the bad guy lives at the end (oops, did I give it away?). All in all, this film was completely full of cliches and cheesy dialogue, but if you like draggy westerns, you’ll probably like it. If you like cheesy movies, this one has the standard cliches and corniness to point out, but it doesn’t break new cheesy territory. I think this film is best summed up in the words of my cousin 12-year-old cousin Bernadette, “Don’t you think this movie is kind of… well… slow?”

Glen or Glenda?

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

You’ve watched Ed Wood and now salivate at the thought of watching one of his films… Resist! Resist! I too was once like you! I rented Glen or Glenda? and my vital signs had to be monitored for weeks afterwards, I was that close to slipping into a coma. In fact, with no discernable plot in sight, I had to shut the film off after 30 minutes. I couldn’t take much more. Don’t do this to yourself, unless you have serious insomnia.

Eyes Wide Shut

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman

This movie was very, very bad. They did a bad, bad thing. I don’t even know where to begin. Usually, we here at MGotD make a point of not being overly bitchy about bad movies. We like bad movies, after all. But then again, rules were made to be broken.

Stanley Kubrick’s supposed to be one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, right? And now he’s dead, so everyone wants to be able to tell their grandkids that they stood in line for a hour (in front of the Cheri theater, dodging traffic because the line extended all the way across the street, by the way) to see the Bard’s Last Film Ever. Everyone’s all excited because it stars Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (the couple who put the “sigh” into “Scientology”) who are supposedly so sexy and all that, yadda yadda yadda, RIGHT?

So, like, whatever. It would have helped if this movie had a plot. Tom Cruise wanders around all night trying to be unfaithful to his wife, but ultimately failing. Why does he fail? Because he’s utterly confused by this movie, as was I. He and his wife (Nicole Kidman, who plays most of her role in her underwear) get together and swap stories about how they’d like to be unfaithful, except they’re too stupid or clueless, or whatever. Then they cry a bit and get paranoid. It’s all so psychological.

Tom wanders into a variety of comic situations, which come across as sort of embarrassingly corny. The rest of the movie is so unbearably pretentious and stilted, that when something funny happens, it seems like it must be a mistake. The only moment I even came close to enjoying was Alan Cumming’s portrayal of a gay bellhop, which was only funny in that it pointed out how unremarkably untalented and wooden Tom Cruise is as an actor.

And then there’s the soon-to-be-infamous “orgy” scene, when Tom crashes an exclusive sex party about a million miles out of town in some mansion that looks like Hagia Sophia. People in capes and masks mill around listlessly while naked women have sex just out of camera range. People stare at each other and don’t say anything. Weird organ music plays. It kind of reminded me of some half-forgotten episode of Dr. Who, in which scantily clad maidens danced around clumsily while chanting “Sacred Fire, Sacred Flame!” Except this time, the scene probably cost roughly the Gross National Product of Sri Lanka, as opposed to being filmed in some quarry in the south of England.

So what was the point of this film? I don’t know. It seems to be some kind of warning to rich about-to-be-middle-aged couples about not cheating on each other. The main thing I took away from this movie, though, is that rich people are really self-indulgent. Tom Cruise spends about a trillion dollars on his little nocturnal adventure. The film opens on a huge ballroom gala, hosted by some annoying bearded baby boomer, while everyone mingles and is preoccupied by sex. The weird Satanic sex cult who are so boring (and apparently bored, if you bother to see this movie for yourself) are apparently so rich (and therefore, important) that if we even knew the names of those having sex in this big mansion, we “wouldn’t sleep at night.” And then again, there’s the rich self-indulgent dork who actually MADE this film and tricked me into blowing $8 on seeing it at a crummy theater with broken air conditioning…

There, I feel better now.

Executive Power

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Craig Sheffer, John Heard

It took me a while to realize that the first scene actually took place in the White House. The set design was so bad in this film, I didn’t even recognize Our Nation’s most hallowed space, and room of ill-repute, the Oval Office. The President is having sex with some White House employee, and then she dies. Did the Prez do it? Is there a cover-up?

People who witnessed the event mysteriously die, except for Nick, the guy with the shades, played by Craig Sheffer. He is now on a mission to explore the badly designed sets of Washington to find the Truth. Is the Truth out there? I’ll admit I fell asleep during this one, so I don’t know. If you watch the whole thing, please tell me what happened.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

This is another highly appealing movie that you might be disappointed with when you get it home. Although it starts off with a perky “Hooray for Santy Claus” go-go number, it soon nosedives into a plotless, comatose state. The only thing that lifts this film from the depths is the incredibly silly set design and costuming. I don’t know about you, but I always get a peculiar kick watching Santa get roped down by a crowd of midgets in space suits. I might heartily recommend playing this film in the background at your next Christmas party, or any other setting where you don’t have to pay attention to it every single moment. But don’t try to watch it, or you’ll regret it. Trivia! This is Pia Zadora’s first film. Oh, the memories.

A Zed and Two Noughts

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

This highly annoying film is the work of Peter Greenaway at his most fevered and erudite. The plot has something to do with a Zoo, two identical twin brothers, death, and sex, but beyond that, your guess is as good as mine. If you even mention this film in Scooter’s presence, she starts to make noises. Although I really like some of Greenaway’s other films, I can’t really recommend this one, unless of course you really enjoy watching things decompose very, very quickly. In that case only I would say this film is definitely for you.