CineBad!!!

A movie with this much hype is almost destined to be awful, so in this respect, Cloverfield didn’t disappoint that much. The whole premise was kind of an interesting idea– a monster movie told in real-time filmed completely by the people experiencing the movie. However, “real time” can be a bitch, complete with the camera [...]

I’ve HAD IT with these MOTHERFUCKIN’ SNAKES on this MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANE! It was an experience. It was an atmospheric happening. It was more than simply a movie; it was a collective adventure in cinematic exploration. The barriers between artist and viewer were smashed to a pulp from the moment we entered the theater, as the [...]

That people had learned their lesson and not named a ship The Poseidon. Besides, aren’t ships supposed to be given girls’ names? Don’t get your hopes up– this is not the made-for-TV remake of The Poseidon Adventure that starred Steve Guttenberg, Rutger Hauer, C. Thomas Howell, and that chick who was Dr. Corday on E.R. [...]

Jodie Foster is the least sexy person on the planet. It’s a role she plays well; possibly even better now that she had some surgery or something that makes her face permanently grimace a la the Joker. Maybe it’s just her normal sour expression; she’s very good at being dour and businesslike. Normally, I am [...]

Starring: Bruce Willis I thought this would be another run-of-the-mill Forces of Nature Blowing Up NYC movie, but alas, it was not. After NY was blown up, the only other explosion was when Paris was destroyed. Oh well. Armageddon was another sappy predictable about the near destruction of the world. Most of it looked like [...]

Starring: Richard Harris, OJ Simpson, Sophia Loren A train is speeding towards the famed Cassandra Crossing. This is the train trestle that people won’t live under for fear of its imminent collapse. This is the last bridge that many concentration camp victims saw in their lives. This is the bridge that we see in many [...]

Starring: Nicholas Cage, John Malkovich, Colm Meaney, John Cusack What happens when a bunch of convicted criminals hijack the plane they’re being transferred on? Lots of people get shot, and a lot of stuff blows up. People are forced to use catchy one-line threats such as “put… the… bunny… in… the… box!” before shooting other [...]

SOS! The plane is sinking and we’re out of Vodka! Starring: Jack Lemmon, Lee Grant, Christopher Lee, Gil Gerard, Maidie Norman, Jimmy Stewart A 747 full of drunken 1970′s movie stars is sure to crash somewhere, so why not the Bermuda Triangle? This particular Jumbo Jet is carrying priceless works of art, as well as [...]

Starring: Nicole deBoer, Nicky Guadagni, David Hewlett, Maurice Dean Wint Our story opens with a guy waking up in a strange room… He opens a hatch and goes into another room just like the one he was in… then he gets sliced up like a hard-boiled egg in one of those wire egg slicers, and [...]

Starring: John Voight, Mary Steenburgen After staring open-mouthed at the TV screen for 2 and a half hours, I finally came to a conclusion as to why it was created. It was actually an insidious plot to get us to read the Bible. Why else would they take the story of Noah’s Ark and totally [...]

Starring: Helen Mirren, Susan St. James, Cloris Leachman What was life like aboard the Titanic? Well, if you think it was like it was in the movie S.O.S. Titanic, then it was a lot like a very friendly singles’ bar. Yes, this fabled unsinkable ship was basically a big meat market. People spent an awful [...]

Starring: Sylvester Stallone Some crazy punks smash their car in the Lincoln Tunnel, causing mighty explosions at both ends, killing most people. The ragged diverse band of survivors are now trapped inside with water seeping in. Who will save them? Sylvester Stallone, a cop who was fired for some long drawn-out plot point reason! The [...]

Columbine? JonBenet Ramsey? Ha! Colorado’s ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Starring: Rob Lowe, Kristin Davis, Esai Morales, Sean Smith We open on gratuitous shots of smoldering train wrecks, complete with fake TV coverage of them. Then we see a school bus that just happens to stall out on a railroad track survive a near-miss with a [...]

Nuclear engineers aren’t “Fonda” Jane! Starring: Jane Fonda, Michael Douglas, Jack Lemmon This is the story of Kimberly Wells, a plucky young reporter who wants to break out of the community bulletin beat and into “hard news.” While on assignment at a nuclear power facility, Kimberly and her crew steal some footage of what appears [...]

Starring: Joseph Fiennes, Charo, Christopher Lee, Molly Ringwald It seems like everyone’s re-doing Shakespeare these days. Irwin Allen jumps on the Postmodern bandwagon in this rendition of the Bard’s best-known work. Of course, Allen, the Disaster Movie King, couldn’t resist throwing in what he does best. So Good Ole Bill probably didn’t forsee a big [...]

Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Joe Mantegna This is a heart warming tale of how the threat of a plane crash can bring a family closer together. It’s also a study in bad wig design. Every single person in this film wears a bad wig, except perhaps the daughter. This could have been a great film, had [...]

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Minnie Driver This film is about people who are incredibly bad shots. There are good guys, and bad guys, and guys who you think are good until they undergo rapid personality transplants and turn out to be bad. There is also the bad guy who turns out to not be [...]

An all-star cast plunge to their deaths! Starring: Karen Black, Charlton Heston Is it just me, or is Auto Pilot the most amazing invention ever devised by mankind? I only ask, because even when a small private plane crashes head-first into a 747, the autopilot nonetheless manages to keep the plane aloft for hours without [...]

Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland, one of those Baldwins A Russian communications ship is in the middle of the ocean communicating with the Mir Space Station. Suddenly, something attacks the space station and blows everything up on earth and in space. What was that? Cut to a small tugboat staffed by an international crew [...]

I must admit it, I think Irwin Allen is a genius! I LOVE disaster flicks, and I can’t get Airport ’77 anywhere in my town! Anyway, the Poseidon Adventure happens when the crew of the Poseidon stare at the radar screen of the ship saying things like “There’s a wall of water coming towards us!” [...]