CineBad!!!

I can’t resist the $1.99 DVD bin as hard as I try. I especially can’t resist a movie that is filmed entirely in a made-up language (”Bulbovian”) and *SUBTITLED IN ESPERANTO* (yes, you heard that correctly). This movie seemed like a dream come true!
This is the tale of two soldiers from Bulbovia, an imaginary [...]

OK OK, I realize that it’s cheating to watch this sort of movie and review it on a cheesy movie website. I mean, finding the cheesiness in Yor, Hunter From the Future is kind of like shooting sleeping elephants at the zoo–you don’t need very good aim. We here at Cinebad strive to find the [...]

Dolph Lundgren has always been one of the world’s greatest and most underrated actors. Here he gets to show his tender side as He-Man, battling Skeletor, and saving the kingdom of Eternia.
Along the way, he brings a scantilly-clad Teela, her dad, Gwildor the dwarf (they didn’t have the budget for that flying ghost thing in [...]

A boy is branded with a mysterious mark at birth, and a toothless evil guy with skulls as hair ornaments spend a lot of time trying to kill him. He grows up and talks to animals, and befriends Kiri, an escaped slave girl (Tanya Roberts). Kris’ claim to fame is that she wears skimpy [...]

Starring: Sir Laurence Olivier, Claire Bloom
Sir Laurence Olivier is in his most powerful role to date: as the Mighty Zeus himself! Watch as he and the rest of the gods of Olympus smite people and entire cities! Meanwhile Perseus, our hero, goes around killing and dismembering all sorts of mythological beasts, rescuing [...]

Funky Fresh, Munchkin Style Starring: Diana Ross, Nipsy Russell, Michael Jackson, Richard Pryor

This is such an awesome movie; I can’t believe that more people don’t remember it. I have vivid recollections of watching this on Showtime when I was a kid (back then there was a box that sat on the TV, [...]

Starring: Peter McNichol
This is one of my favorite Disney movies of all time. It’s a bit gory for a Disney flick (watch baby dragons chew on the dead princess’s corpse), but it’s still rated PG, so you can rent this one while babysitting! Peter McNichol stars as a wizard’s apprentice who sets [...]

Starring: Nigel Terry, Helen Mirren, Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart
It may be well worth it just to see “Excalibur” written in the shiny Excalibur font in the beginning of the movie! This is actually one of my favorite films, even though it looks like a big-budget 2+ hour Fleetwood Mac video. We see [...]

Starring: Sean Connery, Richard Gere
History nerds will love this one. There are at least 15 historical anachronisms in every scene, impress (or annoy) your friends by pointing them out! Sean Connery plays an aging King Arthur, who rules wisely and fairly etc. etc. And Richard Gere is that rogueish troublesome love-smitten knight, [...]

What happens when a mild-mannered college professor wearing an ugly ring his dad gave him crashes his Morris Mini into a tree? He gets transported into an alternate universe, of course! A universe where he’s forced to wear skimpy leather outfits and do battle with big hunky dudes in bejewelled battle armor.
Tarl our hero [...]

Pa pa pa papapapap papapa Papageno! Starring: Josef Köstlinger, Håkon Hagegård, Ulrik Cold, Irma Urrila

What kind of monsters could sit there and make fun of Mozart’s magnum opus, The Magic Flute? What kind of monsters could rank on the masterpieces of Ingmar Bergman? Scooter and Krustee can! I love Bergman films, and [...]

Starring: Ken Marshall, Lysette Anthony, Liam Neeson
This sci-fi/fantasy film almost has it all. It has a friendly cyclops, a beautiful princess in peril, a little boy, a wise old wizard, a spider lady who lives in a giant web, and an army of spikily armored monsters. However, it lacks a plot. [...]

Form of a Plot Device! Shape of a Fight Scene! Starring: Hugh Jackman, Anna Paquin, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Bruce Davison
In the not-so-distant future, pollution caused by the Atomic Age has triggered the so-called “X-Factor” in humans, a genetic sequence that triggers useful and glamorous mutations. People with this X-Factor develop [...]

Starring: Miles O’ Keefe, Sabrina Siani, Dakkar
I watched this film expecting to see a fighting eagle! I thought this might have been a precursor to “When Animals Attack” or other nature vs. humans themed films. Unfortunately, the eagle does not fight. In fact, the only eagle in this movie happens to be a [...]