CineBad!!!

Why do people re-make movies? Sometimes it is to further explore topics in the original, or to expound on missing elements. Sometimes they re-make them to turn an abstract foreign film into something Americans can understand. Sometimes they just do it because they can. I have a sneaking suspicion that The Omen got re-made because [...]

Starring: Nancy Kelly, Patricia McCormack
This is perhaps the grandpappy of all Possessed Kid flicks. Little Rhoda Penmark is a classic sociopath whose only goal in life is to win the kindergarten penmanship award. When the award is given to another child, she embarks upon a spree of killing set to the tune [...]

Haaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Starring: Denise Crosby, Sam Bottoms, Rip Torn, Chris Demetral, Candace Hutson, Ed Gale

Marilyn and Eliot Read (the radiant Denise Crosby and the unfortunately named Sam Bottoms) are two rich American yuppies who move to Mexico with their two adorable offspring to buy a doll factory. This doll factory is going to [...]

Starring: Emily Bergl, Jesse Ryan, Amy Irving
What can I say? I thought the slasher type horror film genre was dead! It’s not, it’s just mutated a little bit. In this film, there was only one gory death scene, and it occurs near the end. It’s worthy of your worst Friday the 13th annoying [...]

Starring: Meredith Salenger, John Cusack, Ray Wise, Lainie Kazan, Scatman Cruthers
This movie was actually pretty good. I mean, Natty (Salenger) is a butt-kickin’ young lady who has a way with animals. She is independent, and doesn’t take crap from anyone, yet she’s kind-hearted; loving animals, her dad, and Harry (Cusack) a fellow traveler. [...]

Starring: Bette Davis, Wendy Craig, Jill Bennett, William Dix

It’s not exactly a Mean Mother Movie, because it’s the Nanny, not the mother who is mean (the mother is just irritating.) But I think that Mean Caregivers are a nice subcategory of the Mean Mother genre. This is the tale of the torment of [...]

I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn’t! Starring: Bette Davis, Wendy Craig, Jill Bennett, William Dix

Hm. As Scooter asked me while watching this film, “so, was Bette Davis ever young?” I think maybe she was… like in the nineteen-twenties. Bette stars as– what? a creepy old lady?! No way!!!
OK, the main players here include:
Nanny, the [...]

This is a film that I remember seeing at the tender age of maybe seven or eight which has left an indelible mark upon my psyche. It is the story of a hapless Eskimo boy who, upon being struck by lightning, develops super-electrical powers, for which the government pursues and oppresses him. His is only [...]

“Tony! Do you hear the dogs?” This was an often repeated phrase amongst my peers and I, as we were forced to sit in the gym and watch this film every time it was too wet to play on the playground.
“Escape to Witch Mountain” is about two perfectly blonde children who are orphans. They [...]

Starring: Jodie Foster, Barbara Harris
It’s hard to make fun of Jodie Foster, even when she’s playing a 35 year old housewife trapped in the body of a thirteen year old. She’s just too good! That having been said, Freaky Friday is another gem of cheesy brilliance from the think tank that gave [...]

Starring: Macauley Culkin, Elijah Wood
Macauley Culkin and Elijah Wood star in this thriller about murder and family values. Macauley kills (or tries to kill) all of his siblings, and Elijah tries to stop him. Now which one was the Good Son? Probably half of the Culkin children make some sort of appearance [...]

Starring: Kirsty Alley, Steve Guttenburg, Olson Twins
Who could resist a film starring Kirsty Alley, Steve Guttenburg AND the Olson Twins? You know you can’t, so read on.
A poor orphan girl goes to a summer camp across the lawn from where a rich girl lives. But wait! These girls turn out to [...]

Starring: Kristy McNichol, Tatum O’Neal
A girl from the side of the tracks (Kristy McNichol) meets a pampered rich girl (Tatum O’Neal) at summer camp. Sounds like “The Parent Trap”, right? That’s why I rented this flick. Unfortunately, there were no singing numbers, as this film quickly becomes a race to see which [...]

Starring: Jodie Foster
This early Jodie Foster flick is the embodiment of all my adolescent dreams.
Jodie’s genius dad dies of natural causes, but decides to wander off and cast himself in the ocean, rather than die at home. He leaves Jodie with a wad of cash and a house in the country [...]

Starring: Denise Crosby, Fred Gwynne, Dale Midkiff
This movie wasn’t actually about a pet sematary, which I found sort of annoying. I pictured zombie cats and goldfish coming back to attack people, but what I got was much worse. No, I never read the book, and no, I never plan to. In fact, I’ve [...]

Starring: Jason Patric, Jami Gertz
How could I resist “spectacular sci-fi action and adventure on blazing skates?!” The Solarbabies are “the far-off future’s spunkiest group of roller-skating rowdies!”

It’s the year 41 (you know, the year 41 in the far-off future) and the Earth is a post-apocalyptic desert starved of water. The few [...]

Starring: Nicholas Rowe, Alan Cox
This movie gave me severe nightmares as an impressionable pre-adolescent. Upon viewing it now, in my jaded mid-20’s, I must say- it still gives me the creeps. I think it must be residual memories, though, because the movie is seriously cheesy in parts!
It’s the tale of Sherlock [...]

Starring: Bette Davis, Disney Kids
Tony and Tia are baaa-ack! The film starts as Uncle Benet unleashes the alien duo on an unsuspecting San Francisco, to learn more about the human race. What better way to educate fourteen-year-old kids than to dump them in the middle of a major city, alone! Anyway, it [...]

Starring: Walter Brennan, Walter Brennan, Karen Dotrice, Matthew Garber
“The Gnome Mobile, The Gnome Mobile, rolling along in the Gnome Mobile!” I can just hear the song now. In fact, the song is so catchy it’s going to be rolling along in my head for the next several months. This is a charming tale [...]

Starring: Drew Barrymore, David Keith, Heather Locklear
This is the saga of Charlie (Barrymore) and her father (Keith) vs. “The Shop.” Several years ago, Andy and his wife Vicki (Locklear) participated in a study in which a government agency known as “The Shop” injected them with a substance known only as “Lot 6.” [...]