Rant on Stuff by the Head Bad Guy

This movie made me realize the magic of bad cinema. If it weren’t for this film, I probably would not be the cynical obnoxious person I am today regarding the Silver Screen! There are so many things wrong with this film that it’s completely effortless to sit back and make fun of it. You just sit there with a look of bewilderment, thinking “How could someone be that stupid?”

Laura (Julia Roberts) marries Martin (Bergin), a guy whom she later discovers is an obsessive-compulsive psycho freak. He reprimands her for hanging towels unevenly on the towel rack. He flips out if the canned food isn’t arranged neatly according to height in the cupboards. He holds her prisoner in a Cape Cod beach house that looks like it was donated by the Conran’s Habitat catalogue. And she didn’t notice any of this strangeness when she married him. Apparently, a perfectly nice dashing handsome rogue turned into a psycho upon returning from his honeymoon. Ok. If you can believe that, we’ll go onto the rest of the film.

Laura eventually escapes from Martin. She fakes her own death by drowning.(she supposedly can’t swim, but has been taking swimming lessons in secret), why does her swimming instructor call her husband at work to offer condolences? Wouldn’t any normal stranger just send a card? This tips him off to the fact that she may not be dead… he hunts her down… He finds her blind mother (who is about 80. She’s probably not 30 yet. So she was born when her mom was 50+? I suppose it could happen) whom she is desperately trying to protect…

Meanwhile, Laura has begun a new life in a charming little town in the pacific northwest. Her next door neighbor is a drama professor (Anderson) who has the hots for her, even though she’s mean to him and generally exudes high-maintainence neuroses. I always thought that men didn’t like this sort of whiny needy behavior. I guess I was wrong. Anyway, after a gratuitous hat- trying on scene, Laura and her new beau become more attached. Unfortunately, by this time, Martin has tracked Laura down. Luckily he loads his gun with exactly 4 bullets, so everyone can live happily ever after.

If you’ve ever thought of hiding your wedding ring so your psycho husband can’t find it in the toilet (without bothering to flush), then this is the movie for you! Plus, some video stores have a special free rental about the making of this movie. Such a bargain!

Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. That’s the main point of this movie. Boobs and blood. Somebody is going around killing people. Who is it? It’s pretty obvious, but I won’t ruin the suspense. Sharon Stone stars as the key suspect, who bares her boobs, has sex with people and makes out with women. Michael Douglas stars as the cop who gets suspended even though he’s obsessed with a murder case. He gets to have sex with people a lot as well. This is definitely a movie to pass up if you don’t like the sight of breasts.

Based upon the novel “Flowers for Algernon,” which I loved as an 8th grader, this film doesn’t live up to its depressing potential. The ending is a bit different, much happier. The thing that made the book so great was its depressing ending! Anyway, this film is good if you like cheesy special effects, and a dark vision of the future.

What happens when a bunch of convicted criminals hijack the plane they’re being transferred on? Lots of people get shot, and a lot of stuff blows up. People are forced to use catchy one-line threats such as “put… the… bunny… in… the… box!” before shooting other people.

Nicholas Cage plays the guy who saves the day (but not after crashing the plane into downtown Las Vegas, causing half of the known universe to explode). This movie should simply have been called “Stuff Blowing Up.” John Malkovich co-stars as- guess what? A psycho killer! No way! Did I mention that there are lots of explosions? A truly great one for those who love action/adventure cheese involving bad plot devices and Chief O’Brien. John Cusack plays a good guy who wears Birkenstocks. Don’t miss the gratuitous scene where the psycho cross dresser rocks out to Lynard Skynard. It’s a bonding moment for all the convicted criminals.

OK, I’ll admit that Juliette Lewis is one of my least favorite actresses on the planet, so this review is a little bit biased. In fact, one of the only things worse then seeing Juliette Lewis in a movie is seeing Juliette Lewis play a retard in a movie. Sigh. This movie was painful for me to watch (it was a family bonding moment with my aunt, who had rented this video).

Juliette, in all of her hesitant, twitchy glory plays a mentally challenged girl whose mother treats her, well, like a retard. That is, her mother is not ready for her to grow up and assume the responsibility of an adult. I can’t figure out why, because, aside from Ms. Lewis’s abnormally slow hesitant monotone that slowly caused me to want to rip my eardrums out of my head, lest I go on hearing it, she didn’t act any different from say, my sister (note: my sister is not mentally challenged, she just acts like it most of the time).

Anyway, we get to see Juliette drawl on a lot and assert herself as she goes to college and gets decent grades, falls in love with another retard (Giovanni Ribisi,) and generally makes a lot of heart warming speeches about how she can do anything. It’s all very sweet. It’s also scientifically formulated to make you (that is people in general, not me) cry a lot. If you’re at all considering becoming a Scientologist, picture yourself locked on this miserable planet for eternity with Juliette Lewis. Maybe then you’ll change your mind.

The best part of this movie was seeing Athos’s (Malkovich) son doing his John Malkovich impression. I mean, he was really good at it! Other than that, this movie was fairly boring. It details the lives of the now washed-up Three Musketeers, as they discover that their mean king has an identical twin brother who is kept locked up in the eponymous Iron Mask in a dungeon somewhere. There are some political subplots involving past events and stuff like that. Ho hum. There are lots of great actors in this film…why? Were the filmmakers trying to make up for the lack of drama? It’s another example of John Malkovich playing regular person. He’s just not very believable if he’s not portraying a psycho or a retard. His sarcastic, clipped way of speaking is just, well, annoying if it’s not indicating the outer trappings of a confused, insane, or otherwise mentally deficient mind. As a pretty average 16th century guy (have I got the time frame right? I can’t remember,) he just comes across as being a little high strung.

Anyway, the rest of the actors seemed pretty bored with the whole idea of getting through this film. I was overcome with ennui just looking at them wearily going through the motions. And Leonardo DiCaprio, the ever-prepubescent waif just isn’t good at being evil. As the bad king, he’s just too wimpy for us to think that he harbored so much hatred for his own brother that he’d imprison him in an iron mask. As the good brother, he’s just boring. What can I say? This film was filled with lots of cheesy dialogue, and a totally predictable corny plot twist. Oy. I sigh with weariness.

Militias are so ‘96! I remember after the Oklahoma City bombing thing everyone was paranoid about militias. It seems like everyone who has ever experienced a bomb threat suddenly was convinced the militias were gathering in the hills, ready to blow up their workplace, shoot their dog, and steal their mail. Militias were even the subject of a couple of New Yorker cartoons! I think militia fever has died down since then. Militias are out. Even Y2K problems are old hat these days. The times they are a-changin’ But did the makers of Arlington Road catch up on these trends? Apparently not.

It all begins when Michael Faraday (Bridges) encounters a bleeding boy stumbling down the street. He rushes the boy to the hospital and ends up meeting the boy’s parents, Cheryl and Oliver Lang (Cusack & Robbins.) It turns out they are neighbors, and everyone becomes good friends. However, when Michael accidentally gets some of Oliver’s mail that had been forwarded from St. Louis, he begins to get suspicious. Oliver had said that he just moved from someplace else. Hmmm. The wheels are turning in Michael’s paranoid head. You see, Michael’s profession is that of a College Professor. He teaches a class on terrorism. Convenient that terrorists should pick *his* house to move next door to… Anyway, I’m spoiling the point.

Michael goes to Oliver’s one day, and sees some blueprints on a table. From seeing about 2 inches by 5 inches of the blueprint for 5 seconds, Michael is able to ascertain that they are not to the mall that Oliver, an engineer, says he is working on. They’re of a building! Can this be connected to the St. Louis IRS building bombing that happened the year before? Could the nice couple Oliver and Cheryl be *gasp* terrorists? No way!

Oh yeah, there are some sub-plots involving Michael’s deceased FBI-agent wife, his new flaky girlfriend, his son’s adjusting to the motherless situation, and stuff like that. All this just sort of gets in the way of the plot. And the real reason you’re seeing this movie: Tim Robbins and Joan Cusack are really awesome as suburban psychos. They come off as being the perfect barbecuing couple, with just a glimmer of insanity shining through every now and then. However, the main point of the film is the plot twist at the end. I saw it coming from a mile away, but a lot of people were shocked from what I read on the Internet. Of course, you can’t believe everything you read… and this movie will try to hit that point home even more.

So you thought the slasher horror film era was dead? You were right! I mean, No, here’s a another one.

Basically every single thing about this movie is 100% predictable, except where the film takes place. The anonymous letter to the main character seems to be addressed to Connecticut, but the license plates say North Carolina. The town is called Southport, but the main marching band is from Port Brunswick…I was confused. But this was about the only confusing thing- the rest of the movie was completely laid out for you- Don’t try to analyze the motives for the killings, it’ll only leave you more dissatisfied.

This was based on a book by Lois Duncan, who was my absolute favorite author when I was 12. I can’t believe she’d ever write a book like this!

I may have been mean to my sister when we were kids, but I never tried to feed her a dead budgie. This is the story of two show-business sisters, “Baby” Jane Hudson (Davis,) a washed-up vaudeville child star, and her sister Blanche, (Crawford) a glamorous 30’s film star. One night Blanche is crippled from the waist down in a car “accident.” No one’s quite sure what happened, but it’s pretty clear that Baby Jane ran her sister over in a fit of pique. Now Jane must wait on her sister hand and foot, attending to her every need. Blanche is totally dependant on her sister, yet it’s her money that pays all the bills and rent.

Of course, Jane doesn’t exactly enjoy being Blanche’s nurse. When she discovers Blanche’s plans to sell the house, move out with her paid nurse and ditch Jane, Jane goes apeshit. How easy would it be to forge Blanche’s signature and keep cashing her checks? And if Blanche were conveniently out of the way, who would know?

So Jane sets about making Blanche’s life a living hell. Watch the sparks fly as Jane kills Blanche’s parakeet and serves it to her sister on a lovely bed of sliced tomatoes. Watch Blanche get upset and ring her buzzer. Watch Blanche starve and steal chocolates out of her sister’s bureau. Watch Jane try to revive her signing career with a con-man as her piano player. Watch Jane hit people with a hammer.

I can’t really describe this movie. If you’ve seen many Bette Davis films, you’ll know how good she is a playing creepy old ladies. This really takes the cake, however. Joan is cast against type as a whiny, perpetually naive and sweet older sister. She wheels herself around looking scared and upset and ringing her buzzer a lot. Now, if you were confined to a wheelchair, wouldn’t you insist on living on the first floor? The Hudson Sisters are ultra-rich, yet they can’t afford one of those electric chairs that climbs stairs for you. You’d think that Blanche would at least make certain she’d get out of the house once in a while.

But Blanche has a deep, dark secret that’s causing her to be such a whiney nincompoop. Don’t miss the ironic surprise ending.

I think this movie was technically supposed to be a horror movie, but you can’t help but chuckle the whole way through. This is one of those films that everyone quotes, yet we had to visit three different video stores in two different cities to find it. Watch Joan Crawford torture her children in Mommie Dearest and then chase it with Baby Jane.