CineBad!!!

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Meg Ryan This is another movie that is specially formulated to make you cry every 5 minutes or so. It’s about a bunch of angels, who live in a library, and one of them (Nicholas Cage) falls in love with a mortal (Meg Ryan). Um, you cry some more and then they [...]

This is what will happen if you vote for Pat Robertson! Starring: Natasha Richardson, Aidan Quinn, Faye Dunaway, Robert Duvall Natasha Richardson stars in this Futuristic Dystopia about the US being taken over by a group of Right-Wing Fundamentalists. In the “recent future,” (?) industrial pollution in the environment has rendered 99% of the female [...]

Starring: Robin Williams, Annabella Sciorria, Cuba Gooding Jr. OK, I’ll admit that watching this movie was nice. The special effects were pretty and the scenes of Hell were really cool. However, besides the effects, there’s not much else. This is yet another movie that’s scientifically formulated to yank as many tears as possible from the [...]

Starring: John Voight, Mary Steenburgen After staring open-mouthed at the TV screen for 2 and a half hours, I finally came to a conclusion as to why it was created. It was actually an insidious plot to get us to read the Bible. Why else would they take the story of Noah’s Ark and totally [...]

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunney The plot is simple: Arnold Schwarzenegger, a disgruntled alcoholic former cop, saves the world from a Satanic prophesy by wielding large weapons. What more can I say? The cheese is laid on thick in this high predictability factor action thriller. Lots of stuff blows up, and there is [...]

You’ve all seen them- the saint cards and velvet portraits of Jesus. Jesus, eyes searching to Heaven in that melancholy stupor. Jesus, who knows that the crown of thorns is coming his way. Well that’s exactly what he looks like in every frame of this film! He has the ethereal manner about him- even the [...]

Starring: Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins What would it be like if Death himself came to the world of the living disguised as a clueless stud? This movie examines that scenario in great detail (a two-tape set). When Bill, the Rich guy’s life span is about to expire (Hopkins,) Death himself decides to hang out with [...]

Starring: Christopher McDonald, Rachel Leigh Cook The Etruscans predicted that Satan would return to Earth sometime in this century. In fact, they even built a very sinister clock to mark the time until he arrives. When the clock reaches 666 o’clock- watch out! Some monks will have to sacrifice 18 corpses with human faces sewn [...]

Starring: William Shatner This made-for-tv movie is a must for those who love William Shatner. It starts with a young teacher who is assigned to a remote village inhabited by a strange religious sect. The members wear big clunky shoes and shuffle around joylessly. It turns out that they are actually aliens who wear big [...]

Starring: Christopher Walken The Prophesy starts when the Archangel Gabriel goes bad. He’s a mean dude, and he’s out to kick some butt. He’s PO’d at God, and plans to get back at Him by destroying mankind. Fortunately, he’s banished to Hell by a Native American ritual. This brings us to the sequel- Satan (played [...]

Starring: David Duchovny, Mimi Rogers Mimi Rogers plays Maggie, a disillusioned telephone operator whose main hobby is partner-swapping with her aged English companion. She eventually is swapped with, and falls in love with Randy (David Duchovny), a former hit-man. One day she discovers God and is born again. Randy gets born again as well- you [...]

OK, OK, this isn’t actually a bad movie. It’s a really good move. I love this movie. It tells the tale of Fenix, a lusty mental patient with a darkly stained childhood in the world’s worst circus, who is one day rescued by his armless mother, a fallen cult leader who worships the raped and [...]