Archive for the ‘Pure Trash’ Category

Barbarella

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Jane Fonda

Barbarella is a lovely little romp through the sexist world of Outer Space. Jane Fonda plays Barbarella, a space-age superheroine whose many talents include undressing in zero-gravity. Her mission is to find the rogue scientist Duran Duran and return him to Planet Earth. Along the way she encounters an army of fanged dolls, a black tyrant, a lake of liquid evil called the Matmos, and Dildano, an impotent counter-terrorist. I could go on and on about this movie’s many cheesy touches, such as Barbarella’s fur-lined spaceship, but you should probably just go out and see for yourself.

Basic Instinct

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas

Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. That’s the main point of this movie. Boobs and blood. Somebody is going around killing people. Who is it? It’s pretty obvious, but I won’t ruin the suspense. Sharon Stone stars as the key suspect, who bares her boobs, has sex with people and makes out with women. Michael Douglas stars as the cop who gets suspended even though he’s obsessed with a murder case. He gets to have sex with people a lot as well. This is definitely a movie to pass up if you don’t like the sight of breasts.

Desperate Living

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Mink Stole, Edith Massey

This is one of John Waters’ earlier films, and probably second only to Multiple Maniacs in terms of sheer weirdness.

Mink Stole (the world’s only female drag queen) stars as a rich shrieking housewife who one day murders her husband and sets off in a stolen car with her maidservant. Eventually they encounter Mortville, a shantytown of outlaw Lesbians, where they can hide from the law. Edith Massey plays the camp’s Evil Ruler, Queen Carlotta, who enslaves the Lesbians and keeps a harem of fishnet-clad young men for her personal pleasure.

Mink succumbs to the romantic advances of her maidservant, but eventually her feelings of guilt and shame bring an end to her lesbian exploits. She turns against her new friends and hatches a scheme to take control of Mortville.

Carlotta decides that it would be a good idea to infect the Lesbians with rabies, and Mink strikes a deal: her life in exchange for her help on the project. Eventually Mink and the Evil Queen engage in a Joseph Campbell-esque struggle for power.

If you’re a butch Lesbian, or love someone who is, you’ll love this film.

Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill!

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Tura Satana, Haji, Lori Williams, Sue Bernard

John Waters thinks this is the best movie ever made. Why not? It’s the epic adventure of four voluptuous go-go dancers who like to spend their free hours drag racing and making smartaleck remarks. “Yeah, so what’s your point?” “No return, and you just crossed it!” Soon they leave the racetrack to burn a fiery trail of death across the desert.

This film dates from a time when “politically correct” was not even a faint glimmer in someone’s eye. It spares no sexist remark, bars no holds when it comes to disgusting sight gags. The plot is fast-moving and even ties everything up in a neat moral bow, just in case you get the wrong idea from its laff-a-minute violence. The fantastic Haji herself (who stars as “Rosie”) has visited our site.

Flash Gordon

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

What can I say about a movie that has flying leather queens and giant phallic rocketships? This is sort of like Barbarella done by Tom of Finland instead of Mel Brooks.

Ming the Merciless decides to terrorize Earth by unleashing such meteorological horrors as “hot hail” (whatever?) upon us. Flash is a lovable yet dorky football player who accidentally gets shot into space by a crazy ex-NASA mad-scientist type.

Flash must now wear skimpy outfits, flirt with cosmic babes, get hit on by gay space-villian-types, and endure the same four bars of a Queen song over and over again until the Earth is… saved? Plus, whenever the bad guys die, they bleed bright blue paint! You won’t want to miss the gratuitous football- themed fight scene.

Hairspray

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Ricki Lake, Divine

Here’s a nostalgic look at the sixties that doesn’t involve Tom Hanks.

Long before Ricky Lake was the queen of daytime trash TV, she was the queen of the hop. Here she stars as Tracy Turnblad, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who rises to fame on the “Corny Collins” TV dance show. Tracy jumps around in cute little dresses, sets her hair on juice cans, and models for the “Hefty Hideaway Boutique.”

But when the TV station won’t let her best friend, Penny Pingleton, and her black boyfriend on the show at the same time, Tracy heads up an integrationist movement. Soon she’s being chased by her parents, the police, and a psychologist (director John Waters) who wants to “cure” the girls of their affection towards black folks.

You just can’t go wrong with a movie that has Sonny Bono, Blondie, Pia Zadora, and the guy from the Cars. I really can’t say enough good things about this movie. If you die without seeing this movie, it’s your own damn fault.

Lust in the Dust

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Divine, Tab Hunter

Although Divine stars in this movie, it’s not a John Waters film. It’s too bad, because it ultimately falls short of the master. It’s not a complete bust, however.

Divine plays a hapless young maiden who sets out across the desert to a find her fortune in the town of Chile Verde. What she finds instead is a burning hunk of Tab Hunter and an evil bordello owner. But where things may appear sweet and innocent on the surface… underneath is a roiling sea of greed and deception! By far the best thing about this movie is the appearance of Nedra Voltz (remember Miss Teasdale from The Dukes of Hazzard?) who plays an aging hussy whose only dream is to wear a pretty frock.

A lovely film with many off-color scenes, but unfortunately, a slightly sluggish plot.

Indecent Proposal

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, Robert Redford

Plot in a nutshell: happily married husband and wife (Diana and David, Moore and Harrelson) are in debt. Millionaire (Redford) sees Diana and offers them $1,000,000 to sleep with her. Making the the decision whether or not to accept this proposal is a big deal. The happy couple break up, reunite etc.

What was so riveting about this movie was not the actual film itself, but hearing the conversations of the viewers on their way out of the theater. Eavesdropping in on these snippets of conversation gave me valuable insight into human socio-psychology. For example, here’s one exerpt:

Wife (hesitantly, to husband): Honey? Um, would you let me do that? For a million dollars?
Husband: Honey, I’d let you go for 10 bucks and a six-pack of Bud!

And another example:

Woman 1: Ok. You get a million dollars AND you get to sleep with Robert Redford? What’s the decision?
Woman 2: Yeah, I can understand having a hard time deciding between Robert OR a million bucks, but BOTH?!?!

There you have it. If you can’t see this film in a theater, then at least rent it with a bunch of strangers. It will inspire many ethical and moral debates.

Love Letter to Edie

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Edith Massey

When I heard that this film existed, I could hardly believe it! It does exist and it far exceeds all of my wildest cheesy dreams. I have no idea where or if you can rent it on tape, so watch it if you can!

The year: 1975. The scene: a kitchen, somewhere in outer Baltimore. “Here’s your mail, Miss Massey!” “Why, thank you! Oh, look at all the nice letters! Oh how nice! Oh look at this one! Oh how nice! I wonder who could have sent me this NICE LETTER!?”

Cut to a piano bar. The mood is sultry, low-down. Pleasant piano jazz wafts appealingly through the air. In the spotlight, a single, radiant woman stands. It’s Edith Massey, star of Pink Flamigos, Desperate Living, and Female Trouble! And she’s about to take you on a magical trip through her rocky rise to stardom!

We see Edie as the unfortunate foster child who throws soapy water upon the fishnets of her evil foster sisters. We also see Edie the street vender, who gets mixed up in some shady night life and becomes Edie the Barroom Babe. We also see Edie the Madam, Edie the Small Businesswoman, and Edie the Starlet! But that’s not all! We also get to see what John Waters looked like in ’75 with long hair!

If you don’t know who Edith is, she’s the mother of fugitive criminal Babs Johnson, who lives in a playpen and spends her days screaming for eggs. She’s also the evil Queen Carlotta, ruler of a shantytown inhabited by lesbian fugitives, who attempts a Jonestown-esque massacre involving rabies injections. She’s also Cuddles, the limousine-riding cleaning lady Billionaire, who tries to save her “purr, purr” friend Francine from ruin. She’s also a very nice person.

This has to be one of the greatest films ever to have an aspect ratio of 1.37:1 (factlet courtesy of the Internet Movie Database.

Mondo Trasho

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Divine

Someone told you that John Waters is cool and you want to see all his films! If only you could see all of John Waters’ films, then you would be a fascinating, intelligent person who would act hip at parties. Well, feel free to skip this John Waters film!

This highly irritating work of cinema is a good ol’ fashioned tale of redemption, shot entirely in black and white and without dialogue. Although the plot holds together pretty well (considering the lack of dialogue) and there are some pretty precious scenes (such as when Divine gets a visit from the Blessed Virgin Mary at the laundromat) the incredibly disjointed and repetitive soundtrack (consisting of a bunch of highly mutilated rockabilly songs) made it really hard for me to enjoy this film. It probably also didn’t help that I was drinking bad wine at the time, which made me sick.

John, if you’re reading this, it doesn’t mean that I love you any less.

Multiple Maniacs

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Divine

Divine stars in this flick about a travelling circus of freaks that gets dead-ended in Baltimore. When hapless passers-by stop to admire the show, they get mugged by the performers. Soon Divine’s cohorts turn against her, and she’s out on the street. Divine discovers her lesbian side– but too late, as the movie degenerates into a blood bath of epic proportions. I won’t give away the ending, but I’ll just say that it involves a killer crustacean. Watch Pink Flamingos first, then Desperate Living, and if you still can’t get enough, watch Multiple Maniacs.

Striptease

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Demi Moore, Burt Reynolds, Armand Assante, Ving Rhames

The scariest thing about this movie is that I think the movie- makers thought they were making some sort of feminist statement by making it. Sure, it portrays strippers as being good, decent, hard- working ladies who just need a few bucks. But come on! Are we really supposed to believe that stripping is a woman’s only option in life when she’s fired from being a secretary? I’m in trouble then– my temp office assistant position is up in 3 weeks– perhaps I should invest in a sequined G-string with red, white, and blue fringe.

The other strippers are the best part of the film– there’s an Israeli stripper named Miss Gaza Strip who has a thing for Stephen Spielberg. She also relates the woes of nude falafel wrestling. Another stripper has a comic moment when the boa constrictor (named “Monty Python”) she loves and uses in her act is replaced without her knowledge and attempts to strangle her to death during a performance. Har har har! As you can tell by the aforementioned bits of hilarity, this film is a comedy. Yes, folks, a comedy about strippers and governmental corruption.

Unfortunately, Demi Moore, who doesn’t have a comic bone in her surgically altered body (I think even her funny bone was removed) didn’t realize the comic potential. She plays the part as if she were in a dramatic made-for-tv movie about child custody battles (another subplot of the film.) Burt Reynolds is delightfully campy as a dirty-old-man type corrupt politician, and Ving Rhames (“Do I look like I follow politics?” is his best line) always adds an interesting spin on films. However, Demi’s main function in the film was probably that she was the best pair of boobs available for the part at the right time. Most people probably saw Striptease to see Demi in her birthday suit, so I guess her acting ability doesn’t really matter.

The best thing about this film is all of the cheesy dialogue. Here is a sample: As Erin is about to expose Dilbeck (Reynolds,) she croons, “Give it to me like a man, a Congressman. When Erin dances nude for Congressman Dilbeck, she says “If I come back tomorrow, can we talk more about my case?” To which Congressman Dilbeck replies, “We can talk about anything you want, as long as you’re naked.” But wait! There’s more! When her boss tells her of his idea of having nude creamed-corn wrestling matches in his strip club, Erin says, “I don’t need a bunch of guys trying to shove corn up my hoo-ha.” The screenplay is priceless!

The ending is remarkably cheese-laden as well. Watch as the bad guys are captured by having a load of sugar dumped on their heads from a trapdoor in the ceiling. Doh! Foiled again! This film is thoroughly enjoyable to watch. It definitely scores many a cheese.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Dolly Read, Cynthia Myers, Marcia McBroom

This is the story of the Kelly Effect, a small-town rockin’ girl band that just wants to make it in the City of Fallen Angels, LA. The band’s frontwoman, Kelly, has a long-lost Aunt in LA with a $1,000,000 inheritance that Kelly might just get a cut of, if she plays her cards right, so the girls load up their beach van, and set out for stardom with their manager, (and boyfriend of Kelly,) the Jewishly cute Harris Allsworth.

Once they get to LA, the band gets discovered by Warholesque record producer Ronnie “Z-Man” Barzell, who talks like something out of a high school production of Hamlet. (This was actually really annoying and I almost gave the movie one green cheese just because of it.) He renames the band “The Carrie Nation” and they skyrocket to fame. Soon Kelly’s sleeping with playboy Lance Rocke, who’s even more determined than she to get a cut of the family inheritance. Kelly bats her eyelashes and looks all innocent and tries to seduce Aunt Susan’s lawyer, while Aunt Susan totally laps it all up and frets about whether to give Kelly a third or a half of the money.

There’s an attempted suicide, and for a while you think the movie’s about to end. But wait, there’s more! Up to this point, the film’s been fairly predictable, but now we have heartfelt, sobbing confessions (with sympathetic organ music) and magical walks through sylvan fields, and soft-focus camera lenses, and all sorts of cheesy stuff. Now you think the movie really will end, but wait, there’s still a psychotic killing spree that involves Nazi butlers and fake boobs! Yes, you read correctly! (I won’t go into details. Keep in mind that this film’s screenplay was written by Roger Ebert.)

The moral of the story? Well, just like The Carrie Nation’s hit single, “Look on Up (at the Bottom)” the higher their careers soared, the lower their souls sank. This is a nice 1960’s-style trash movie with a cute moral ending!

This is a fun corny movie that features big hairdo’s, polyester suits, homosexuality, decapitation, and psychedelic rockers The Strawberry Alarm Clock. The Carrie Nation is much better, though! Just wait till they lip-sync their way into your hearts!

Pink Flamingos

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Divine, Mink Stole, Edith Massey

This is John Waters’ most notorious film and it’s also supposed to be the most tasteless film ever made. Personally, I think my definition of “bad taste” might be a little bit different from most people’s, but I won’t argue that this film deserves its reputation.

Divine plays Babs Johnson, a fugitive criminal who is also self-styled as the “Filthiest Person Alive.” When Babs’ title is challenged by the cunning Connie and Raymond Marble, Babs must embark upon a crusade to save her bad name. By far my favorite person in this movie is Babs’ mother, played by Edith Massey, who lives in a playpen and whines loudly for eggs. Then there’s Cotton, Babs’ lovely travelling companion, and Crackers, her sleazily sexy young son.

I won’t give away this film’s many revolting surprises, but there are weird and unappetizing sex scenes, strange body parts in performance, tortured animals, hermaphrodites, murder– basically everything that Jesse Helms is against. In fact, I would say that this movie is practically perfect.

Pink Flamingos was re-released a few years back, and has been making the art house circuit ever since. It’s a favorite at pseudo-progressive ivy league school theaters like Cornell’s and Harvard’s. By all means, see it on the big screen if you can!

Polyester

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Divine, Tab Hunter

Oh, to love and lose! To love and lose again!

Divine stars in this John Waters films about deception and betrayal. What at first may seem like the perfect suburban family (Mom has a strange addiction to air freshener, Dad runs a dirty movie theater, sis dates a punk and junior has a foot fetish) turns out to be mired in deception and betrayal! Concerned citizens are picketing on the front lawn! And the mysterious Baltimore Stomper is attacking the feet of women all over town! Even Francine’s own husband is having an affair, which he sees no reason to hide.

Just as things look their worst, Francine’s life starts to turn around. Then things look their worst again. Even the poodle attempts suicide. What’s a girl to do? The only thing holding Francine together is her fantastic sense of smell– a little can of Glade can do wonders sometimes.

The formidable Edith Massey makes an appearance as Cuddles, Francine’s cleaning-lady-turned millionaire, and Tab Hunter co-stars as her two-timing boyfriend. Even Bill Murray sings the closing theme. It doesn’t get much better than that. There’s even a shocking macrame strangling scene.