Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category


Monday, October 29th, 2007

300 bare-chested, sweat-glisteningly muscular men go up against incredible odds to fight the Persian army, wearing nothing but capes and leather undies. 300 follows in the tradition of great cinematic historical epics like Ben-Hur, by having you realize that in ancient times, dudes were all totally gay. How did the human race survive? The only dudes who seemed to like chicks were either hideously deformed and/or traitors… you’d think we’d be a race of hunchbacked, warty-faced turncoats by now.

OK, aside from the homoerotic overtones, this movie was about kicking serious ass. Blood, limbs, guts, unidentifieable body pieces flew around like confetti in most of the scenes, except when King Leonides, our protagonist, is giving speeches about freedom. For a race of people bred to be warriors (they are taking from their homes at a young age so they can prance around in diapers and learn how to handle big swords), this intangible concept is more than worth a lot of heaving and thrusting of large spears. Lest you think 300 people getting their asses kicked by Persians is an act that puts the ‘dumb’ in ‘freedom,’ history tells us that this heroic act paved the way for multiple gay discoes the Greek army to mobilize and kick those pesky Persians out once and for all. If it weren’t for them, we’d all be speaking Persian now… instead of Greek… or something.

As for the cinematic form… what can I say? The movie was visually very nice, the art direction simple, bold, and invoked a nice amount of Frank Miller’s graphic novel… but things like plot, character development, clever dialog, etc. are not necessary when you show this many elephants getting gutted and soldiers’ limbs and heads being amputated in graphic detail. It got so I was getting annoyed at the so-called ‘story’, like when they’d stop fighting to talk about what was going on. MORE ASS-KICKING! I heard myself yell.

Basically, see this movie if you are into:
1. gayness
2. ass-kicking
3. see 1 & 2

Xerxes, looking fabulous

The Terror of Tinytown

Saturday, March 10th, 2007

Made in 1938, this is a pretty standard western musical… except that it features an entirely midget cast (except a few characters who I swear were just kids made up to look like small adults). Is this a dwarf-sploitation film of epic proportions? Or is it a landmark in dwarf equality, where Little People before were only relegated to movie roles of munchkins, Santa’s elves, king’s servant (every king seems to have a midget who brings him wine), and leprechauns? Perhaps neither, or maybe a little of both.

If it weren’t for the fact that the entire cast was under 4 foot 7 (is that the legal height requirement? I can’t remember), this would be a pretty standard western. you have Good Guys who wear white, Bad Guys who wear black, Damsels in Distress, lynch mobs, musical numbers, barbershop quartets featuring penguins… wait, did I say penguin? Yes, for some unknown reason, during the big barbershop quartet number, the camera zooms in on a penguin. The penguin is not shown before or after that one scene in the film. WTF?

The penguin is not the only thing in this movie that makes you say a hearty “what the f was that?”, though. There’s some comedy relief in the form of a German chef, who amusingly tries to catch and cook a duck, for example. Also, the entire town of Tinytown is built to little person scale… except for a few things that provide comic relief, such as the saloon doors (the town citizens walk under them), the hitching posts for the shetland ponies that everyone rides, and of course, hilariously, the beer mugs.

However, when you think about it, someone had to build an entire set to a smaller scale. I realized this during a stagecoach chase scene (every western requires one, this movie is no different)– they even built a very small stagecoach, presumably just for this movie! I guess in those days there was no shortage (ha ha, I just made a joke worthy of this movie!) of cheap illegal immigrant labor, but still, kind of impressive.

Perhaps the filmmakers had to do something with this hackneyed plot, poor script, and clichéd score… I know, maybe nobody will notice how bad it is if we throw in a few cheesy puns and make it entirely with underemployed munchkins from The Wizard of Oz! All in all, this is a jaw-droppingly amusing movie. The novelty alone makes it well worth the rental fee. Or, since it’s so old the copyright expired, you can ususally buy it for about $3.00 (comes as a double feature with the Reefer madness rip off movie Marihuana and some Betty Boop cartoons!).beer mug

“A Year Full of Kick-Ass Movie Pitches”

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
“A Year Full of Kick-Ass Movie Pitches”

Welcome Back

Thursday, March 23rd, 2006

This is the archives of the Movie Guide of the Damned (MGOTD) that my friend Scooter and I ran from about 1998 – 2001. We spent a lot of our time back then renting movies for the sole purpose of making fun of them, and we figured that there should be a website for people like us. This was the site that kept me up all night, sometimes when I should have been working on college stuff, and basically taught me everything I needed to know to work in the biz for the past five years. So, for that I’m pretty grateful. We might write some new reviews here if the mood strikes us.

You can also see parts of the site at


GI Jane

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Demi Moore

Jordan O’Neil (Demi Moore) is the first woman to ever join the Navy SEALs. The odds are stacked way against her. Politics are stacked against her. Her teammates don’t like her very much. Will she succeed and gain rank, and the respect of her peers? What do you think? This movie was almost worth it for the cheesy music alone! It sounds like it was from the Wonder Woman tv series or something. Full of the usual mean guy military dudes, and with all of the usual military insults and abuse, this movie won’t fail to please, if you’re into that sort of thing. And just when you thought the film was about to end…it’s only half way over!

Revenge of the Nerds

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Anthony Edwards, Robert Carradine

Remember when Nerds were a persecuted subculture? Remember when computers were un-cool? Ah, those nerds grew up to be Bill Gates and other high-paid execs. Anyway, this film is set back in the dark ages (the mid-80’s,) before nreds got thir real life Revenge. It follows the introduction of a lovable bunch of geeky freshman to the trials of being new and wearing pocket protectors in a jockocentric college. Gilbert (Anthony Edwards, better known as ER’s lovable Dr. Greene) and his band of merry geeks, including such memorable characters as Booger (Curtis Armstrong), Poindexter (That guy from Thirtysomething) and Wormster (Andrew Cassese) must endure torment and systematic oppression at the hands of their football playing fraternity member classmates.

In the end, the Nerds triumph over adversity, and embrace their nerdy heritage as they beat out the jocks in the college’s annual Greek Carnival with ingenuity, brains, and Devo impressions. This film is worth it for the killer soundtrack including Michael Jackson, Ya Ya and the Talking Heads. The Revenge of the Nerds theme song is particularly poignent, as it captures the triumphant spirit of oppressed minorities everywhere.


Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
Starring: Andie McDowell, Viggo Mortensen, Liam Neeson

This film was sort of interesting. It’s about Bessie (McDowell), a housewife who’s married to Johnny (Mortensen) a rogue bush pilot, who for some unexplainable reason calls her Ruby. She discovers that Johnny’s dead one day when she receives a package- her husband’s false teeth. Then things get a little complicated as there are two guys named Hermés and a plot.

Bessie then learns of Johnny’s tremendous debt and travels to some Latin American country where she attends Johnny’s funeral. She meets Fergus Lamb (Neeson), a humanitarian aid worker who has little to do with the plot. (Trivia Question of the Day: In what other film did Liam Neeson play a character with the last name Lamb?) While in Latin America, Bessie decides to poke around her (now ex)husband’s desk in the office of his airplane hangar. And what does she find? His stash of prize baseball cards! He has marked them in an ingeniously clever way that only a wife could understand. They are the key to a whole bunch of bank accounts all over the world, which are kept in the names of his favorite baseball players.

Bessie thinks that of course she was meant to find these cards and they will solve all of her financial woes. She has a big garage sale and sets out for the world, armed with a power of Attorney to collect her late husband’s cash. Meanwhile, the 2 Herméses are on her trail generally being Bad guys.

It’s pretty obvious that her ex husband is a real schmuck, but Bessie still holds onto happy memories. We see happy flashbacks of how Johnny met Bessie, and how he came to get his false teeth. Will she ever get over the memory of him and go onto other men? (Namely Liam Neeson?)

I won’t spoil the, um, surprise ending, but it turns out that some interesting developments occur in Egypt (is it any coincidence that her husband named their 3 little kids after Egyptian things: Alexandria, Cleo, and Niles?) Her husband was involved in some racket involving “ink… for pens.” Fergus Lamb shows up again, and everyone lives happily ever after.

I actually enjoyed this movie, although sometimes I was a bit confused. The whole 2 Hermés thing had me floored for a while. Who can’t resist Andie McDowell muttering to herself and being puzzled with her little southern accent? Oh, and the answer to the trivia question is… Liam Neeson played a character with the last name Lamb in the movie Lamb.

Our Man Flint

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
I am not a Pleasure Unit!
Starring: James Coburn, Gila Golan

I had to keep reminding myself that that was a self-conscious parody of a James Bond movie. I mean, the filmmakers were trying to be funny. Still, though– I mean, the original James Bond films were corny enough in their own right not to be taken seriously. But this was such a good rip-off of a 007 flick that I kept finding myself yelling things like, “Hello! How can someone lock himself into a safe from the inside?” before remembering that that was the point!

Anyway, when the secret coalition of evil geniuses called “Galaxy” decides to take over the Earth, Z.O.W.I.E. (Zonal Organization World Intelligence Espionage) consults its UNIVAC computer and calls Secret Agent Derek Flint in to save the day. Flint is a Kung Fu master who can mix a perfect martini, stop the beating of his heart at will, and cause all beehive-clad women in a 50 yard radius to swoon involuntarily. Galaxy’s top woman, the evil Gila, is sent out to stop him. However, Flint and Gila can’t control their natural desires, and soon the fate of the entire world rests upon shoulders.

Predicatably, Galaxy’s headquarters are located on a volcanic island in the middle of the pacific. Here, they’ve set up a paradise for the human race. They dress women in bikinis and huge wigs, spin a big orange swirly thing in their face for an hour, and whisper: “Repeat after me: I am a pleasure unit. I live only to serve others.” Then the women are gripped by the mindless desire to make out and play the ukelele. The men wear these snappy striped jumpsuits. They aren’t brainwashed into being “pleasure units,” but they’re kept in a perpetual state of randiness by taking little red pills. Basically, the future of the human race is a big Playboy picture spread ruled over by old guys in white lab coats.

The amazing thing about this movie is that it looks like it actually had a bigger budget than your average 60’s James Bond film. I mean, 007 usually had at least one scene involving a laser ray or something, but Galaxy Island looks like The Price Is Right on steroids. There’s a huge, rotating drill that spits steam on people, and the Evil Control Room is lined with huge, eyeball shaped TV screens. Even Gila’s remote-control weather-altering device looks like it weighs about 30 pounds and gets its power from a small nuclear reactor. All in all, this was like watching all the cheesiest bits from all the James Bond films thrown into one.