Posts Tagged ‘chuck norris’

The Octagon

Thursday, December 6th, 2007

The best thing about this movie is the title– the Octagon. Doesn’t that sound ominous? It’s like the Pentagon, only with more sides. On the poster, the first “O” in “octagon” actually is an octagon. Isn’t that clever?

For some reason, I thought this was going to be a sci-fi movie. Maybe I was just too excited by the picture on the video that shows Chuck Norris with his body filled in with a celestial theme. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. Anyway, this is a good-old fashioned action movie, only with a lot of talking compared to action. Much of the talking takes place in Scott (Chuck Norris), our protagonist’s head. It seems that he was trained in martial arts, was in some war, and has recurring echoing voices that try to further the plot along.

Now Scott’s left his old life behind and is… uh, I’m not sure what. He’s just militant about not going back to his old life. Meanwhile, everyone in the movie has a horrendous hairdo, including Chuck with his trademark feathered mullet, his friend A.J. with his poofy hyper-feathered David Hasselhoff-esque ‘fro, the South African dude with the poorly dyed blond bowl cut, and the Bad Guy, whose Asian Halloween wig from Spencer Gifts mullety thing is beyond description.

Central to the plot is the action. We discover that everyone Scott comes into contact with is being menaced by (inner voice talking): NINJAS… NINJAS … ninjas … ninjas. It turns out that Scott’s adopted Asian brother is running a summer-camp for training ninjas! Unfortunately, Scott’s had a feud with his brother for decades, as shown in many flashbacks, and is now his “lifelong enemy.” Scott now has a dilemma– can he kill his own brother? In all the flashbacks we see, Scott’s brother is a major dick. If my brother was that big of an asshole, I would have smacked him long ago. Anyway, Scott travels to the ninja camp, which we now discover is the Octagon in the last 15 minutes of the movie as the camera dwells on an aerial view of the compound, which indeed has 8 sides (the word “octagon” or any reference to any polyhedron is nowhere in the dialog).

There is sporadic martial arts action, throughout the film, but the ninjas don’t seem to be trained very well; Scott half-heartedly bitch-slaps them and they’re down. This film also contains a very half-hearted car chase ending in nothing being crashed, on fire, or even slightly dented. The bad guys have the good guys blocked in for a moment, then the good guys drive away while the bad guys are all like, “oopsie, we lost them!” There are also numerous attempts at humor, most of which are completely random and have no bearing on the plot. For example, Scott wants to sign up with a mercenary employer and wanders into the wrong room– one with square dance classes going on. Oops! Hilarity almost ensues! There is some sex, in the form of seeing 1/2 a nekkid booby for about 1.5 seconds, but that, plus the use of the word “shit” twice, was enough to get this cinematic gem rated R.

The main reason to watch this is because of the fact that when a white person dies, he does it very loudly and very slowly. One little blow dart to the chest can make someone dramatically thrash around while yelping in pain for several seconds. Also, watching the pussy ninjas getting picked off one by one while Chuck barely breaks a bare-chested sweat (he has to take his shirt off for some reason or another in pretty much every scene) and looks bored throughout most of the film. However, this film is very relevant today with all its talk of terrorism, funding terrorists, mercenaries, and the fur coat business. We learn an important lesson: if you want to fight terrorism, learn to speak “Slope” or “Ay-rab.”